So I Married a Gay Man.....

My husband loves to read books by Brene' Brown .  Well actually he loves to listen to them, because she reads her own audio books and she is a very gifted storyteller. We wanted to watch something on Netflix the other night and the first thing to pop up was Brene' Brown.  We were in... and it did not disappoint.  In fact we paused it several times to discuss topics she brought up.  It was like free counseling.  Thanks Brene'!! In my post about shame , I mentioned that the key to dealing with shame is vulnerability.  Well, those two topics, shame and vulnerability, are Brene' Brown's specialty and the focus of her Netflix special .  She has written several books including, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead .  The title of her book came from a quote by Theodore Roosevelt. Here are some of my favorite quotes and takeaways from the special: "If you're brave with your life, if you choos

You know what I love at theme parks?  Roller-coasters!  They are the best!  I could ride them all day long and never feel sick or get tired of the twists and turns. You know what I hate in real life?  The emotional roller-coaster I'm on.  One day everything is great, we are riding high and the next day (or maybe even the next hour) it feels like we are plummeting to our death.  But wait there's a twist and a turn and we survive.  We're headed back up again.  Yea!!  But what goes up must come down.  Ugh.  Seriously, stop the ride.  I want to get off. A common theme among spouses of SSA husbands is the emotional roller-coaster.  (I messaged a friend about this post and she replied, "Ha ha.  #accurate".)  Feelings of love, shame, fear, hope, anger, joy, anxiety, sadness...  all played out in rapid succession over days, hours, even minutes.  And it's both of us.  When one person starts down the path of crazy, the other is almost certain to follow.  It's

It's been two weeks since my husband attended a Journey into Manhood weekend.  We were both warned that there would be a low spot about a week after his return, and they were right.  There were a few difficult days of emotions and fear.  But that has passed and we are in a really good place. On the drive home from the weekend, my husband called me.  One of the first things he said was, "We have new best friends!"  I cried.  (I do that a lot; I know.)  We have never actually met another mixed-orientation couple before.  To have friends that totally get us - this is amazing!  I immediately contacted this new best friend, the wife, and told her, "My husband just told me that you and your husband are our new best friends.  Can't wait to chat with you."  Now, you have to understand I have never met or spoken to this person.  I just declared that we are now best friends.  She is probably going to think I'm a complete lunatic. Instead, she replies, "N

I started this blog mostly as a way for me to process my thoughts and feelings.  I also thought that maybe one day it could be helpful to someone else.  I guess that day has come.  My little anonymous blog has been shared and is actually being read by people.  People I don't know.  People in other countries.  That's exciting and scary all at the same time.  I've never considered myself a good writer; in fact I once had an English professor beg me to drop her class.  😏 Several people that know me have been so encouraging and frequently tell me to keep writing.  Today my husband received a text from a friend of his that also has unwanted SSA.  He forwarded it to me and I cried.  I am humbled beyond words.  It makes me so happy to know that our story can encourage others.  I'm also glad to know that our love for one another comes through in this blog.  Sometimes I fear that you can't hear my voice and so you may not read my tone correctly. Here is a part of my enc

Shame is a constant topic for us right now.  I am starting to understand just how much shame has shaped my husband and by extension our marriage and even me.  It is an unwelcome visitor that doesn't want to leave.  Ignoring it doesn't work.  In order to heal shame we must seek it out and deal with it. I first heard about Dr. Curt Thompson, MD from this very powerful two part podcast.  Part one is a great intro into understanding shame.  Part two explores practical ways to combat shame.  After listening to him, I bought his book, The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves .  I highly recommend it as a must read. Here are my thoughts and some favorite quotes from the book. "shame begins with our self-condemnation." We are all constantly telling ourselves stories: stories about ourselves, others, and God.  Which stories we choose to tell and believe make all the difference.  Evil does not simply tempt us to do wrong, it tempts us

So, I mentioned a month ago that my husband was going to do some in-depth therapy.  Technically it's not therapy, but "an experiential weekend of of self-discovery, brotherhood, personal-growth, and inner-healing work."  And it's awesome. I was somewhat skeptical, but figured it couldn't hurt.  I wasn't expecting a cure for SSA.  In fact, I was just hoping he could come away with less shame and maybe some deeper understanding of himself.  Besides, what do we have to lose?  But that was when he signed up a few months ago.  Then I fell into a deep depression.  I suddenly became fearful.  A group of men that all struggle with SSA, together?  for a weekend?  What was I thinking??? But I determined to remain calm and trust God.  I prayed A LOT. And you know what happened?  God showed up.  He really did.  My husband did a lot of that inner-healing work.  He dealt with childhood trauma.  He dealt with his shame.  He came back exhausted.  He came back changed. 

It may be April Fool's Day, but this post is no joke. I realize now that it's been nearly a month since my last post and there's a reason why.  I have been in a really low place... like really, really low.  I have struggled with depression and suicide ideation since I was ten, so this is not new for me but I haven't been in this low of a place for over a decade.  And it's scary. I have been trying to deal with my own childhood trauma in therapy.  Last month I was given more information by a family member about my childhood that just tore open old wounds.  It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  I just couldn't handle one more revelation of dishonesty and betrayal.  I sank fast.  I was crying uncontrollably again, having panic attacks, harming myself, and thinking about suicide far too often.  Back to the counselor for help and to my doctor for some medication to get me through this tough spot.  I feel like a bit of failure admitting all