So I Married a Gay Man.....

I've spent a lot of time reading books and blogs, listening to podcasts and watching videos about the issue of same sex attraction.  I've long wanted to watch videos from the Revoice conferences.  This session from Revoice19 , was suggested by someone in a mixed-orientation marriage. How to Become Churches That Cultivate Celibacy and Mixed-Orientation Marriages While I obviously appreciated the section about churches supporting mixed-orientation marriages, that was not what hit me over the head.  My biggest take-away was about how I have raised my own children.  I have always presumed and encouraged marriage for their future.  I have never even considered, let alone encouraged, celibacy as an option for them.  Why? Our culture, and church culture in particular, expects marriage as the "norm".  Many people even worship it.  I never really thought I was one of those people, until now.  This past year has taught me a lot about marriage....

I've spent so much time learning about " this world " of same-sex attraction, that I should get an honorary degree when I'm done.  😏   It can get awfully confusing: side A, side B, side X, side Y...  Everyone is taking sides and I'm not sure that's necessarily a good thing.  I started off this blog almost a year ago declaring that we are side B, but I've done a lot of learning since then. So what does it all mean?  Here is a brief overview. Side A - God does not condemn homosexuality, sexual orientation cannot change, identify as LGBT, gay marriage is encouraged Side B - God condemns homosexual activity but not the homosexual person, sexual orientation cannot change, identify as LGBT, celibacy is encouraged Side Y - God condemns homosexual activity but not the homosexual person, sexual orientation might change, identify as same-sex attracted, traditional marriage or celibacy is encouraged Side X - God condemns homosexual activity and the homosexu...

A "tell" is a common poker term used to describe an unconscious action that is thought to betray an attempted deception.  It can also be used to describe habits or traits that men with same sex attraction have that are considered to be stereotypically gay.   Effeminate mannerisms are probably the most common, but there are many other stereotypes as well.  Obviously, stereotypes are just that - and often not true at all.  However, as with all things, sometimes people live up to the stereotypes.  My husband says he became aware of his "tells" at a very young age and as he grew up he worked very hard to hide them.  Of course some things are harder to hide than others and sometimes simply downplaying it was good enough for him.  He always thought that maybe I at least had some clue about his same sex attraction based on his tells but I assure you - I did not.  I'm not much for playing into stereotypes.  In talking with other wives in mix...

I'm not gonna lie; I'm glad June is over.  I'll be even happier when all of the rainbow displays are taken down and all of the business logos go back to their original colors.  A symbol that once reminded me of God's promise has been tarnished by the world.  Now it means open rebellion towards God and being proud of it.  I'm not trying to overstate my case.  That's just how I see it. I really want to reclaim the meaning of the rainbow for myself.  I'm just not really sure how.  I want to live in this world and not be a part of the sin that so easily entangles us.  I want to love people and not condone their sinful actions.  I want to bring people to Jesus, but the actual Jesus in the Bible not the one people make up to fit their own ideas.  It is so hard to live against the flow.  To have a marriage that is "not normal" no matter how you look at it.  To have great compassion for LGBTQ people and yet totally disagree with thei...

It's Pride month!  This month brings up all of my mixed emotions.  Never before has this month really made me pause and think.  Oh sure, I mean I thought about it - but never this deeply, because it simply was never personal for me before. My thoughts on Pride month last year: I don't hate anyone, but really stop shoving your agenda and flaunting your sexuality in my face.  If you want to be gay, be gay - it doesn't really affect me.  I actually feel kinda sorry for you, but I can't say that because it's not politically correct.  Also, I think it's wrong, but I'm not one that's going to shove my religious convictions in your face. So, maybe you can stop, too?  Probably not. My thoughts on Pride month this year:  My best-friend, husband, lover is gay.  Wow!  Suddenly it's personal.  Everywhere I go there are reminders of Pride month - Target, Walmart, Snapchat, Google, Facebook - I can't escape it.  I've read and learned s...

So, I mentioned a month ago that my husband was going to do some in-depth therapy.  Technically it's not therapy, but "an experiential weekend of of self-discovery, brotherhood, personal-growth, and inner-healing work."  And it's awesome. I was somewhat skeptical, but figured it couldn't hurt.  I wasn't expecting a cure for SSA.  In fact, I was just hoping he could come away with less shame and maybe some deeper understanding of himself.  Besides, what do we have to lose?  But that was when he signed up a few months ago.  Then I fell into a deep depression.  I suddenly became fearful.  A group of men that all struggle with SSA, together?  for a weekend?  What was I thinking??? But I determined to remain calm and trust God.  I prayed A LOT. And you know what happened?  God showed up.  He really did.  My husband did a lot of that inner-healing work.  He dealt with childhood trauma.  He dealt with h...

So you have friends that are gay.  You don't want to offend them; you want to love them.  You want them to know that Jesus loves them too.  Your heart hurts when they hurt.  In order to make it easier on them (and you), you decide to reject the clear teaching of scripture.  It's easier to say the Bible is wrong than to say your friend is wrong.  I get it. My best friend is gay.  He's also my husband.  He knows the truth of the Bible and he's trying really hard to live according to God's will as revealed in the Bible.  It's not an easy path.  But one day I want him to hear the words, "Well done my good and faithful servant.  Enter into my rest."  It is our firm belief that people that live in open rebellion towards God's ways will not get to hear those words. Every time a prominent Christian changes their view on homosexuality, a little piece of me dies.  You are just adding another voice to the temptation for Christian...

These are the books I read this month. A War of Loves: The Unexpected Story of a Gay Activist Discovering Jesus by David Bennett.  Someone recommended this book and it was already in my "to be read" pile.  His story is captivating and he is a great storyteller.  Bennett has an amazing testimony of salvation.  He starts off as side A (affirming of living a gay lifestyle) but God slowly transforms his thinking and he is now side B (believes in the traditional Biblical definition of marriage) and celibate.  I appreciated his very positive and uplifting view of celibacy.  I also appreciated his candor about his temptations, struggles, and successes. My favorite quote: "When Jesus Christ is relegated to a hobby for middle-class families and not allowed to be the Lord of our entire lives, we are bound to destroy the witness of his gospel.  What the Western church needs is a new identity that recognizes that Jesus isn't just a peripheral interest. ...

I haven't read these books, but my husband did.  This is my version of what he told me about the books (so take it as hearsay, ha!). Holy Sexuality and the Gospel: Sex, Desire, and Relationships Shaped by God's Grand Story by Christopher Yuan.  Yuan discusses both the theology and practical implications of sexuality, desire, orientation, marriage, and singleness.  He also gives great advice on how respond when someone you know comes out. Here is a podcast with Christopher Yuan.  I actually listened to it :) Space at the Table: Conversations Between an Evangelical Theologian and His Gay Son by Brad Harper and Drew Stafford Harper.  The story is told chronologically from both the father's and son's perspectives, showing us how their relationship fared through the son's coming out.  The father is an evangelical pastor (side B) and the son decided to live a gay lifestyle and reject his faith.  Spoiler alert: the story does not end with the so...

I've said before that I've cried a lot in the past few months.  I've cried for a variety of reasons.  There is a lot of sadness in finding out a secret like this.  But today's cry was a new one. Today I cried over a little boy.  A little boy that was confused and scared.  A little boy that always got chosen last for the teams.  A little boy that heard the word faggot and internalized it.  A little boy that decided that no one could ever know his secret.  A little boy that slowly became really good at hiding and lying.  A little boy that made sure no one got too close. I see his little face from a picture I have.  He is smiling.  I know that smile.  I see it everyday. It's really impossible to be mad at my husband for keeping the secret for so long when I see that little boy's face.  This morning I just had to weep.  And I wanted to hug that little boy - so I did, I hugged my husband tightly.

I've been reading a lot lately and thought I'd share. So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore I really needed to hear this!  I'm not a huge Beth Moore fan but this book was great.  I especially liked her prayer for giving over our insecurities to God.  I'm trying to focus on what I can change - which is me.  I have so many insecurities that I need to deal with.  It was well worth the read. The Storm-Tossed Family: How the Cross Reshapes the Home by Russell Moore The book starts out really strong.  Then I got a little lost part-way through.  It's pretty deep.  Or maybe I was just bored.  However, the chapters on gender, marriage, sexuality, and divorce make it a must-read for families dealing with unwanted SSA.  The book does not not deal specifically with SSA, but there are many great principles that certainly apply. Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour by Gayle Haggard Stay with me here.  This is not a book I...

Our daughter is home from college for Christmas break.  We tend to have a lot of deep conversation when she's home - religion, politics, current events, you name it.  She and I were driving home yesterday and got into one of these discussions.  We ended up talking about the gay agenda, how we treat LGBT people in the church (we agreed that the church needs a lot of work in this area), and specifically a friend of hers that is a Christian and gay and trying to navigate his theology and sexuality. She has such a heart of compassion for all people, and this friend is no different.  She has no idea what side A and side B even mean, but based on our conversation she is side B.  Her friend isn't sure where he lands on the issue yet.  He's confused as to why God would make him gay knowing that he would never be happy in a relationship.  My daughter felt sad that he would be lonely.  I asked her why he thought loneliness was the only option.  After...

I recently mentioned that we are reading good books, so I thought I'd share what we've been reading.  I've only linked the books that have previews available. Long before my husband disclosed his struggle with same-sex attraction to me, God had already given me a desire to love people with this issue.  Several years ago I read The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Butterfield.  I have also heard her speak in person and she has an amazing story to tell.  She was on an episode of one of my now-favorite podcasts . After disclosure, we started seeing a counselor and he recommended several books. Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality by Wesley Hill is a sad but hopeful story of a Christian man with SSA choosing to live a celibate life.  Here's a podcast with him. People to Be Loved: Why Homosexuality Is Not Just an Issue by Preston Sprinkle takes a hard look at Biblical theology regarding the issue o...

In some ways nothing has changed.  He is still the same guy I married so many years ago.  We have lived together for over two decades.  We are comfortable with one another.  Life is moving on. In other ways everything has changed.  I know his secret.  I hear and see things through a new lens.  I see and hear people's comments about sexual identity.  I notice gay people more than ever before.  I have had to reframe much of my life - conversations and interactions with my husband that now mean something different, decisions that were made out of my ignorance, lies that were told to cover and hide the truth.  I can't un-know these things.  I don't want to be in the dark anymore. Friends and even acquaintances have started mentioning that I have changed, that I seem different.  And I am.  But how do you explain something that you can't talk about?  I have always been a super outgoing and friendly person.  Right n...

I'm sure people will wonder about our sex life.  I mean, how did I NOT know that he was gay? We have always had an active sex life.  As with all married people, we have had seasons in our marriage, but we have never been celibate in any way.  Our intimacy flows out of our deep personal connection.  The more we spend time together and love one another in practical ways, the more intimate we are.  I think this is probably true in most marriages, but even more so in ours where visual physical attraction is not the focus. The painful part, for me, is that I always knew and sensed that he was not very attracted to me.  I chalked that up to my weight, my body shape, my general attractiveness - I never considered that it was a problem on HIS end, but rather it was my problem and if I could just lose weight or have bigger breasts or whatever that it would "fix it".  In this sense, knowing about his same-sex attraction is actually freeing.  My self...

Do I regret having married a gay man?  Honestly I have no regrets in terms of who I married.  He is my best friend.  We connect on every level and work well together as a team. I regret that he felt like he had to hide, even from me.  The level of pain, shame, and fear he has felt makes me tremendously sad.  I wish I could have been his partner in this from the beginning.  However, to be honest, I don't know that I could have handled it before now.  In my twenties I was insecure and dealing with my own issues.  In my thirties I was burdened with raising children, working, and figuring out life.  Now in my forties I am secure in my faith and who I am as a person.  I have lived enough life to know that we all struggle in many ways.  I have grace for myself and others that I didn't have when I was younger. I regret that we live in a Christian culture where same-sex attraction is viewed as the ultimate sin.  I wish we could sha...

I've been married to my husband for over twenty years.  We love each other deeply.  We have several kids and a dog.  We have traveled the world together.  We share everything.  Or so I thought. A few weeks ago my husband finally confessed to me that he is gay.  He always has been.  He has known since he was eight years old.  For the past 35 years he has kept this secret - from everyone. I guess I should have known.  He says he has tried to tell me many times, dropping hints and hoping I would catch on.  But love is blind.  I would never have guessed his secret.  After all, he had been practicing hiding and lying for over a decade before I even met him.  Even in his confession he couldn't say the words.  I was contemplating several things in our marriage that didn't make sense and recounting past hurts.  All he could say was, "You have all the pieces to the puzzle.  Please put the puzzle together."  ...