So I Married a Gay Man.....

My husband recently attended a second Journey into Manhood  (JiM) weekend.  It was much easier the second time around for both of us because we knew what to expect. I'm in contact with several wives whose husbands attended the same weekend, only it was their first weekend.  I tried to reassure them that they were not making a mistake in letting their husbands go do their work .  But I also let them know the reality of the "slump" that happens a week or so after the weekend.  Well, it's one week later and some of them are experiencing it.  The confident husband that came home a week ago is now an emotional mess.  The roller-coaster of emotions is so draining!  Now the wives are really wondering if it was worth it.  Their husbands are talking about thoughts and desires that are painful to hear about.  Emotions are running high and hope seems to be running low.  Some have said that it seems like a step backwards in their marria...

She's quiet, meek, and far too gentle.  She seems like she is walking on eggshells.  Everyone sees the problem but apparently she is oblivious or maybe she is just an enabler.  She is weak and powerless.  She acts as if she can't do anything on her own.  She is not her own person.  This is what I have always pictured when I hear the word codependent.  This is not me. Therefore, I am not codependent. And yet, that word kept coming up.  People kept mentioning this great book.  My therapist mentioned the word several times.  I thought maybe I should look into it. After reading Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie, I realize that I am codependent. So what is codependency?  The starting point is understanding that the concept comes from dependency - as in addiction.  The addict is often called "chemically dependent" when referring to drugs or alcohol.  ...

Attraction is a tricky word and one that comes up a lot when discussing same-sex attraction (SSA).  I mean, it's right there in the name.  What does attraction really mean and how do we use that word? My now husband told me before we ever started dating that he was not attracted to me.  What he was trying to communicate was that he wasn't attracted to women in general.  But that is not what he said and certainly not how I heard or interpreted what he said.  I heard, "I am not attracted to you ."  Long after we started dating, long after we got married, long after I knew how much he loved me, I could still hear these words.  They have been a deep hurt for me.  I heard them through my own brokenness and continued to use them against myself for years. During this time of re-framing past conversations and experiences through this new lens of my husband's SSA, I have tried to let that hurt go.  Yet, as we have discussed attraction he stands by...

It's hard to have a secret identity, to hide from everyone, even those closest to you.  Really there is only one way you can successfully hide for so many years - lies. Trying to understand how I didn't know that my husband was gay for over two decades of marriage is difficult.  Let me also say, since you don't know me, that I am not a stupid or naive person.  I have a master's degree.  I understand people.  But I was duped.  How could that happen? Our counselor introduced me to a term I had never heard of - gaslighthing. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a person, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.  This is done by systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. It sounds pretty evil, an...