The pain of neutral

In case I haven't made this clear - I am broken.

There are a host of reasons why.  And I'm sure you can relate.  We live in a fallen world and we are all broken in many ways.

I am broken because my father left when I was young.  I am broken because I was bullied as a child.  I am broken because I have struggled with suicide ideation from the age of ten.  I am broken because I have always hated the way I look.  To say I have low self-esteem would be a huge understatement.

So, when my husband wasn't enamored with my looks - that made sense to my brokenness.  When he didn't tell me how beautiful or sexy I was - that made sense to my brokenness.  

Don't hear me wrong.  He has never been cruel or rude to me.  He has been neutral.

You look fine.

Your body is fine just the way it is.

I don't care how much you weigh.

I don't care if you wear makeup or not.

When I was insecure and needed affirmation, I usually received neutral statements.  Of course he told me how much he loved me.  He told me how special and important I was to him.  But it always stopped just short of what my heart desired to hear.  This is the pain of neutral.

Now that I understand him and his brokenness, it all makes sense.  And yet it doesn't make sense.  Recently he has started being less neutral and more positive.  I wonder why.  Why now?  His explanation is that for the first time he is being honest with himself and able to be honest with me.  That because I was not the object of his sexual attraction, somehow it felt dishonest to say these things.  Yet he has been dishonest with me in so many ways, so I still don't quite understand. 

He has apologized many times for all of the small ways he has hurt me over the years.  Now we will work on moving forward and healing past hurts with words of loving affirmation.  And I pray that God will continue to heal my heart from all of the brokenness in my life, as only He can do.

I have always loved this song about brokenness in marriage, long before I knew just how meaningful it would be to me.  My husband recently said that it always made him a little sad when I said I loved this song because he knew just how true it really was.  Have a listen: Broken Together by Casting Crowns.