So I Married a Gay Man.....

In some ways nothing has changed.  He is still the same guy I married so many years ago.  We have lived together for over two decades.  We are comfortable with one another.  Life is moving on. In other ways everything has changed.  I know his secret.  I hear and see things through a new lens.  I see and hear people's comments about sexual identity.  I notice gay people more than ever before.  I have had to reframe much of my life - conversations and interactions with my husband that now mean something different, decisions that were made out of my ignorance, lies that were told to cover and hide the truth.  I can't un-know these things.  I don't want to be in the dark anymore. Friends and even acquaintances have started mentioning that I have changed, that I seem different.  And I am.  But how do you explain something that you can't talk about?  I have always been a super outgoing and friendly person.  Right now I feel the need to retreat and hide.  The only way I ca

Our counselor asked me the other day what I need my husband to do to make me feel like he is really committed to me.  My first thought was "matching tattoos" but I didn't actually say it out loud.  Later in the car I brought it up.  He said he knew that's what I was thinking.  So we came up with a plan and went and got matching tattoos.  That's totally normal, right?

Marriage did not remove my husband's same sex attractions.  It didn't make him less gay.  It didn't remove the temptations or desires.  It didn't completely remove his loneliness.  It didn't remove his guilt and shame. Now let's flip the script.  I was an angry and bitter person when I got married.  Guess what?  Marriage did not remove my anger.  It didn't make me less bitter.  Why would we think marriage would fix us?  I'm so glad he didn't think marrying me would fix him.  Our marriage would have been a huge let down from day one. Only God can change us.  Sometimes he chooses to remove temptations and sometimes he doesn't.  Paul talked about his thorn in the flesh in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that

These are the blogs, posts, and articles that I read when I learned about my own mixed orientation marriage. Wait a minute, a mixed what? What is a mixed orientation marriage? My Mixed Orientation Marriage An Open Conversation on Mixed Orientation Hole in My Heart Ministries  These posts were especially helpful: Not an Identity How God Saved Me and My Marriage Don't Let Me Wallow No Shadow of Shame Most of the mixed orientation couples knew beforehand about their spouse's orientation and most of them are "out".  This is far different from my experience and why I chose to jump into blogging my experience. This may be my all time favorite.  He is not out and he is hysterical!! Common Themes  Christian. Gay. Mixed-orientation marriage. Not alone. Do you know of other great articles or blogs?  Leave a link in the comments.

We met in college and quickly became friends.  We talked constantly about everything.  We agreed on everything that mattered - faith, values, and goals in life.  We were very close and people assumed we were dating.  Were we?  I don't think we knew for sure.  We both felt a strong connection. At one point he said he was falling in love with me but then within weeks said we should just be friends.  What??  Sure, now it all makes sense.  He loved me as a person, as a close friend, but not as a wife.  He wasn't sure that would ever be possible.  From my perspective it made no sense at all.  Just friends?  We seemed to have long since passed that point.  I thought for sure we were headed towards marriage.  I was pretty devastated and it showed.  I pulled away from our friendship. A few months later he said he wanted to marry me.  I now know that he spent these months wrestling with his own ideas of marriage and how he would be able to make that work.  He didn't want to lose

I'm sure people will wonder about our sex life.  I mean, how did I NOT know that he was gay? We have always had an active sex life.  As with all married people, we have had seasons in our marriage, but we have never been celibate in any way.  Our intimacy flows out of our deep personal connection.  The more we spend time together and love one another in practical ways, the more intimate we are.  I think this is probably true in most marriages, but even more so in ours where visual physical attraction is not the focus. The painful part, for me, is that I always knew and sensed that he was not very attracted to me.  I chalked that up to my weight, my body shape, my general attractiveness - I never considered that it was a problem on HIS end, but rather it was my problem and if I could just lose weight or have bigger breasts or whatever that it would "fix it".  In this sense, knowing about his same-sex attraction is actually freeing.  My self-esteem has actually incr

Do I regret having married a gay man?  Honestly I have no regrets in terms of who I married.  He is my best friend.  We connect on every level and work well together as a team. I regret that he felt like he had to hide, even from me.  The level of pain, shame, and fear he has felt makes me tremendously sad.  I wish I could have been his partner in this from the beginning.  However, to be honest, I don't know that I could have handled it before now.  In my twenties I was insecure and dealing with my own issues.  In my thirties I was burdened with raising children, working, and figuring out life.  Now in my forties I am secure in my faith and who I am as a person.  I have lived enough life to know that we all struggle in many ways.  I have grace for myself and others that I didn't have when I was younger. I regret that we live in a Christian culture where same-sex attraction is viewed as the ultimate sin.  I wish we could share openly with others about our struggle and hope t

I've been married to my husband for over twenty years.  We love each other deeply.  We have several kids and a dog.  We have traveled the world together.  We share everything.  Or so I thought. A few weeks ago my husband finally confessed to me that he is gay.  He always has been.  He has known since he was eight years old.  For the past 35 years he has kept this secret - from everyone. I guess I should have known.  He says he has tried to tell me many times, dropping hints and hoping I would catch on.  But love is blind.  I would never have guessed his secret.  After all, he had been practicing hiding and lying for over a decade before I even met him.  Even in his confession he couldn't say the words.  I was contemplating several things in our marriage that didn't make sense and recounting past hurts.  All he could say was, "You have all the pieces to the puzzle.  Please put the puzzle together."  And in a moment of clarity I asked, "Are you trying to te