So I Married a Gay Man.....

I've said before that I've cried a lot in the past few months.  I've cried for a variety of reasons.  There is a lot of sadness in finding out a secret like this.  But today's cry was a new one. Today I cried over a little boy.  A little boy that was confused and scared.  A little boy that always got chosen last for the teams.  A little boy that heard the word faggot and internalized it.  A little boy that decided that no one could ever know his secret.  A little boy that slowly became really good at hiding and lying.  A little boy that made sure no one got too close. I see his little face from a picture I have.  He is smiling.  I know that smile.  I see it everyday. It's really impossible to be mad at my husband for keeping the secret for so long when I see that little boy's face.  This morning I just had to weep.  And I wanted to hug that little boy - so I did, I hugged my husband tightly.

One of my first blog posts was about why he married me .  It's the obvious question.  But recently I've been thinking more about why I married him.  Sure, some of the very things I mentioned in that post apply to me as well. We agreed on everything that mattered - faith, values, and goals in life. Yet, looking back there were some major red flags.  He told me he wasn't attracted to me .  He never told me I was beautiful .  He only took me home to meet his parents once before we got married.  He was very quick to go from "Let's just be friends" to "Let's get married". What I'm really starting to understand is how my own deep insecurities caused me to ignore these signs.  A confident young woman would expect to be told she looks good.  A confident young woman would have certainly asked some questions about how a man can say they aren't attracted to you and yet still want to date you.  In fact, a confident young woman may have not give

I've been reading a lot lately and thought I'd share. So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore I really needed to hear this!  I'm not a huge Beth Moore fan but this book was great.  I especially liked her prayer for giving over our insecurities to God.  I'm trying to focus on what I can change - which is me.  I have so many insecurities that I need to deal with.  It was well worth the read. The Storm-Tossed Family: How the Cross Reshapes the Home by Russell Moore The book starts out really strong.  Then I got a little lost part-way through.  It's pretty deep.  Or maybe I was just bored.  However, the chapters on gender, marriage, sexuality, and divorce make it a must-read for families dealing with unwanted SSA.  The book does not not deal specifically with SSA, but there are many great principles that certainly apply. Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour by Gayle Haggard Stay with me here.  This is not a book I would normally pick up.  I'm

I was a serious person until I met my husband.  It's not that I didn't appreciate humor, I just wasn't funny.  At all.  One of the first things my future husband, a self-proclaimed class clown, told me when we started dating was, "If I can't tease you, I can't love you."  On that point, he was totally serious.  Over the years he has helped me to lighten up and laugh at life.  Laughter really is the best medicine. So when coming to terms with his SSA, we have to laugh about it.  My husband had literally never told another person about his SSA until last year, and being the funny guy that he is, he has years of jokes ready to come out.  Come out.  (giggling as I type) I can't even tell you how many times in the first few weeks that one of my kids would come into my bedroom and ask where dad was and I would say, "in the closet" and try so hard not to burst out laughing while hearing him chuckling in the closet.  It was like - seriously why d

I've heard this more than a few times recently.  "You've changed!"  What I want to say is, "You think?!? You have NO idea." or "You don't say..." with lots of dripping sarcasm.  But of course I don't say those things. My kids (teens and young adults) have another way of putting it, "You're acting weird."  When pressed about what is weird, this is what I get. 1. "You listen to music all the time now.  You never used to listen to music."  This is true.  Music has been soothing my soul.  It brings me peace and joy.  I guess I never really needed those things like I do now.  Here is one of my current favorites . 2.  "You and dad are always kissing and hugging.  Can you please just stop?"  Um, no.  No we can't.  The kids have no idea what we are going through and how important it is for us to stay connected and affectionate. 3.  "You got a tattoo!" Yep, I'll agree that one is weird.  T

I'm constantly on the lookout for more helpful resources.  One thing we have noticed is that there is a lack of writing from married men with SSA.  Most of the writing I've found ( books , articles, and blogs alike) is written by women with SSA or SSA men that are celibate.  Occasionally, I find writing by a woman married to a man with SSA.  And with most of the writing by married people, they knew before marriage - which is not our story.  What gives?  I guess my husband is going to have to start writing... Anyway, here are the articles and blogs I have found recently: I Married a Same-Sex Attracted Man.  And I Am Blessed.   an article by Jaclyn S. Parrish. This is a blog post by the same author about Struggling with a Spouse's Sexual Sin . Rachel Gilson is a married Christian woman with SSA and a great writer.  Her blog Born Again This Way is worth a read and also contains links to articles she has written.  She was also on a podcast I follow. Doug Mainwaring

We do a weekly check-in now about how we are doing in several areas of life.  We had this long list of questions that was really cumbersome and tedious.  Then my husband found an acrostic for accountability - an acrostic that only a guy would come up with - SPERM. At first I said, no, I just can't even handle that level of.... I'm not even sure what to call it - immaturity, male weirdness, inappropriate... just no.  But then, I decided to give it a try and actually it was way better than our crazy list of questions.  So, here you go. S- Spiritual: How are you doing in your relationship with God?  How are you practicing spiritual disciplines? What is God saying to you? P - Physical: How do you feel physically?  Are you caring for your body?  Are you eating well?  Exercising enough? Getting enough sleep/rest? E - Emotional:  How do you feel emotionally? Are you controlling your emotions or are they controlling you? R - Relational:  How is our relationship right now?  Wh

Have I mentioned that I really love analogies?  I use them a lot - probably too much.  This week I came up with a new one and I'd like to share. My husband has been saying things recently that were starting to drive my a little bit crazy.  They are positive things, such as: "Our marriage has never been better." and "This is going to be our best year yet." and "I've never felt closer to you." and things like that.  But... I'm just not feeling that way.  And then it hit me - my newest analogy. We've all seen a plot line diagram, though if you are as old as I am it's probably been a while. There's a rising action in the story until you reach a climax, the turning point in the story, usually some big revelation or conflict.  And then the story starts to resolve with the characters finding a solution to the conflict. The day he told me about his same sex attraction was, for him, the climax of his story.  The story was introduced wh

The holidays are often a time of reflection and emotions.  This being our first holidays since the revelation of my husband's SSA, it was especially so. On Christmas Eve after putting all of the gifts under the tree and filling the stockings hung from the fireplace, we stood back and looked at a picture-perfect scene and cried together.  We were overcome with love and thankfulness for our family.  My husband had convinced himself for years that if I ever really knew him, I would leave him.  Yet here we were, together.  And so very, very thankful. A week later on New Year's Day I woke up feeling overwhelmed.  I had an intense sense of dread about the upcoming year.  Once again I cried, but not tears of thankfulness.  They were tears of fear.  I prayed and cried out to God to take away these feelings.  From everything I've read, the first year of dealing with this is the hardest.  On top of that, a lot of major life changes are happening this year.  So much change and unc