So I Married a Gay Man.....

 It's been a while since I've posted, but I haven't stopped reading! I have long been a fan of the Hole in my Heart Podcast .  So, I was eager to read their new book and preordered it. Though it wasn't exactly what I expected it was a good read.  The main point of the book is that marriage is a metaphor of Christ's love for the church. And anyone, even someone that is not naturally attracted to their spouse, can participate it the metaphor. An Impossible Marriage: What Our Mixed-Orientation Marriage Has Taught Us About Love and the Gospel by Laurie and Matt Krieg is a story about a difficult point in their marriage and what they learned during that time. They alternate telling the story, revealing their unique individual thoughts, feelings, and experiences.   The part of the book that resonnated most with me was about not using sex as a barometer of oneness in our marriage. Laurie explains, "I wish I had understood then that the number of times we have sex is ...

Last weekend my husband and I attended a marriage retreat for mixed orientation couples.  The part I was most excited about was finally getting to meet one of my best mixed orientation marriage friends.  She and I have only ever talked on the phone, we've never met in person.  It was so much fun to hang out in real life!! Then came the actual retreat.  We went into the weekend feeling good.  I was not prepared for all of the hard work we were going to do!  The first night ended terribly.  Every single marriage exercise we participated in ended in an argument.  It was NOT pretty.  I decided it was a mistake to even be there.  We had some one-on-one time with a wiser couple and went to bed exhausted. The next day we were able to see some of the bad communication habits that we have developed in the past year.  The stress and anxiety of the past year had really taken a toll on our communication.  I was able to identify my tend...

I drove into the desert, to a place I've never been before, to meet with a group of people I've never met before, and pour my heart out to a depth I've never experienced before.  I was anxious and exhilarated.  I had no idea what was going to happen but my instincts told me it would be good. I went to Utah for a weekend retreat for women.  This wasn't just any retreat.  It is "a weekend for overcoming trauma and/or betrayal and finding your strength."  And I did just that.  I found my strength. The myth of La Loba the Wolf Woman, initiates the question, “What has happened to my soul-voice? How do I make my life come alive again?" La Loba is a  Daughters of Light  event through The Toolbox .  The weekend focused on 3 elements: " Healing : Trauma and/or betrayal, Connecting : to your intuition/soul, God and sisters, and Strengthening : your power & strength."  This powerful weekend uses different activities to guide you ...

My husband recently attended a second Journey into Manhood  (JiM) weekend.  It was much easier the second time around for both of us because we knew what to expect. I'm in contact with several wives whose husbands attended the same weekend, only it was their first weekend.  I tried to reassure them that they were not making a mistake in letting their husbands go do their work .  But I also let them know the reality of the "slump" that happens a week or so after the weekend.  Well, it's one week later and some of them are experiencing it.  The confident husband that came home a week ago is now an emotional mess.  The roller-coaster of emotions is so draining!  Now the wives are really wondering if it was worth it.  Their husbands are talking about thoughts and desires that are painful to hear about.  Emotions are running high and hope seems to be running low.  Some have said that it seems like a step backwards in their marria...

It's been 52 weeks since my husband disclosed his same-sex attraction. A whole year. Everyone said the first year would be difficult. That was a huge understatement. I have been looking forward to this post, hoping that this would mark a turning point.  I would be happy and feel safe, settled, and secure.  Well, I can't really say any of those things.  And that's really disappointing.  So much of life lately has been disappointing. I started 2019 with a feeling of dread .  Unfortunately, I wasn't far off.  This year was far more difficult than I had anticipated.  I had hoped that the year would end well... it's only September, so there's still time left and I'm holding on to hope. We are still doing our "work".  My husband just attended a second Journey Into Manhood weekend.  I am going to an intensive weekend in October.  We are still seeing our therapist (love him!).  We have made lots of friends and accountability partn...

I've spent a lot of time reading books and blogs, listening to podcasts and watching videos about the issue of same sex attraction.  I've long wanted to watch videos from the Revoice conferences.  This session from Revoice19 , was suggested by someone in a mixed-orientation marriage. How to Become Churches That Cultivate Celibacy and Mixed-Orientation Marriages While I obviously appreciated the section about churches supporting mixed-orientation marriages, that was not what hit me over the head.  My biggest take-away was about how I have raised my own children.  I have always presumed and encouraged marriage for their future.  I have never even considered, let alone encouraged, celibacy as an option for them.  Why? Our culture, and church culture in particular, expects marriage as the "norm".  Many people even worship it.  I never really thought I was one of those people, until now.  This past year has taught me a lot about marriage....

I haven't spent a lot of time in psychological/counseling circles and sometimes the phrases that are thrown around sound foreign to me. One such phrase is "doing your work." I kept hearing it and in context it began to make sense but I'm a nerd and decided to research it. Doing your work is about taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions.  Often we find ourselves in situations where we blame circumstances or other people for how we feel, think, and act.  We begin our work by recognizing unhealthy patterns and triggers, then work to uncover our feelings and reactions, and finally discover ways to break the unhealthy patterns. Someone suggested that my husband read a book about "the work" and so he bought it.  And like many other books, I read it first. The book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie is not a typical read.  It has a general introduction to the concept of self-discovery that she calls ...

It's been a while since I have reviewed any books and that's simply because I haven't been reading any.  Well, I've been reading but only my daily Bible reading and books related to my job.  For my summer reading, I am staying away from anything SSA specific and sticking with books I can take to the pool and the beach without hiding the cover.  I'm on vacation and devouring books, so here goes! I had the pleasure of hearing Bob Goff speak several months ago and he was funny, encouraging, and challenging all at the same time - and that's difficult to pull off.  He has the energy and enthusiasm of a preteen, the humility of a monk, and the wisdom of a sage.  His recent book, Everybody, Always: Becoming Love in a World Full of Setbacks and Difficult People , has the same combination of encouragement and challenge mixed in with humor and engaging stories.  The book's focus is on loving others well; loving them like Jesus does.  And not just o...

It's been exactly 39 weeks since my husband disclosed that he has unwanted same sex attraction.   I wish I could say that it has only gotten easier, but in truth the past few months have been hard.  The deeper we dig the more difficult this journey becomes. It does feel like we have come a long way, but I also know that we still have a long way yet to go.  And that can be discouraging.  Someone recently said that this journey feels painstakingly slow for the wife and breathtakingly fast for the husband.  That is definitely true for us! So what does our journey look like right now?  The Journey into Manhood weekend was super helpful and Brother's Road continues to be a resource for both of us with weekly conference calls of support.  I'm planning on attending a weekend conference in the fall.  We are still seeing a therapist, both separately and together.  We are still reading books and listening to blogs and trying to learn ho...

My husband loves to read books by Brene' Brown .  Well actually he loves to listen to them, because she reads her own audio books and she is a very gifted storyteller. We wanted to watch something on Netflix the other night and the first thing to pop up was Brene' Brown.  We were in... and it did not disappoint.  In fact we paused it several times to discuss topics she brought up.  It was like free counseling.  Thanks Brene'!! In my post about shame , I mentioned that the key to dealing with shame is vulnerability.  Well, those two topics, shame and vulnerability, are Brene' Brown's specialty and the focus of her Netflix special .  She has written several books including, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead .  The title of her book came from a quote by Theodore Roosevelt. Here are some of my favorite quotes and takeaways from the special: "If you're brave with your life, if...

Shame is a constant topic for us right now.  I am starting to understand just how much shame has shaped my husband and by extension our marriage and even me.  It is an unwelcome visitor that doesn't want to leave.  Ignoring it doesn't work.  In order to heal shame we must seek it out and deal with it. I first heard about Dr. Curt Thompson, MD from this very powerful two part podcast.  Part one is a great intro into understanding shame.  Part two explores practical ways to combat shame.  After listening to him, I bought his book, The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves .  I highly recommend it as a must read. Here are my thoughts and some favorite quotes from the book. "shame begins with our self-condemnation." We are all constantly telling ourselves stories: stories about ourselves, others, and God.  Which stories we choose to tell and believe make all the difference.  Evil does not simply...

So, I mentioned a month ago that my husband was going to do some in-depth therapy.  Technically it's not therapy, but "an experiential weekend of of self-discovery, brotherhood, personal-growth, and inner-healing work."  And it's awesome. I was somewhat skeptical, but figured it couldn't hurt.  I wasn't expecting a cure for SSA.  In fact, I was just hoping he could come away with less shame and maybe some deeper understanding of himself.  Besides, what do we have to lose?  But that was when he signed up a few months ago.  Then I fell into a deep depression.  I suddenly became fearful.  A group of men that all struggle with SSA, together?  for a weekend?  What was I thinking??? But I determined to remain calm and trust God.  I prayed A LOT. And you know what happened?  God showed up.  He really did.  My husband did a lot of that inner-healing work.  He dealt with childhood trauma.  He dealt with h...

I've been processing how important boundaries are in relationships.  I keep hearing/reading stories about women that are in really destructive relationships.  I'm heartbroken for them.  If you or someone you know is living with infidelity - this one is for you.  I am not a counselor, nor an expert of any kind.  These are just my personal thoughts. 1.  If your spouse is actively or repeatedly cheating on you - do NOT be physically intimate with them.  This is a danger to your physical safety, to say nothing of your emotional and spiritual safety.  If this upsets/bothers/angers your spouse - that is their problem!  They have crossed the line and any repercussions they feel or experience are due to their own failure - not yours.  Do not own their problem. 2.  You need at least 30 to 90 days of abstinence for several reasons.  Sex addiction recovery programs all recognize the need for abstinence during recovery.  You may ...

These are the books I read this month. A War of Loves: The Unexpected Story of a Gay Activist Discovering Jesus by David Bennett.  Someone recommended this book and it was already in my "to be read" pile.  His story is captivating and he is a great storyteller.  Bennett has an amazing testimony of salvation.  He starts off as side A (affirming of living a gay lifestyle) but God slowly transforms his thinking and he is now side B (believes in the traditional Biblical definition of marriage) and celibate.  I appreciated his very positive and uplifting view of celibacy.  I also appreciated his candor about his temptations, struggles, and successes. My favorite quote: "When Jesus Christ is relegated to a hobby for middle-class families and not allowed to be the Lord of our entire lives, we are bound to destroy the witness of his gospel.  What the Western church needs is a new identity that recognizes that Jesus isn't just a peripheral interest. ...

I haven't read these books, but my husband did.  This is my version of what he told me about the books (so take it as hearsay, ha!). Holy Sexuality and the Gospel: Sex, Desire, and Relationships Shaped by God's Grand Story by Christopher Yuan.  Yuan discusses both the theology and practical implications of sexuality, desire, orientation, marriage, and singleness.  He also gives great advice on how respond when someone you know comes out. Here is a podcast with Christopher Yuan.  I actually listened to it :) Space at the Table: Conversations Between an Evangelical Theologian and His Gay Son by Brad Harper and Drew Stafford Harper.  The story is told chronologically from both the father's and son's perspectives, showing us how their relationship fared through the son's coming out.  The father is an evangelical pastor (side B) and the son decided to live a gay lifestyle and reject his faith.  Spoiler alert: the story does not end with the so...

I've been reading a lot lately and thought I'd share. So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore I really needed to hear this!  I'm not a huge Beth Moore fan but this book was great.  I especially liked her prayer for giving over our insecurities to God.  I'm trying to focus on what I can change - which is me.  I have so many insecurities that I need to deal with.  It was well worth the read. The Storm-Tossed Family: How the Cross Reshapes the Home by Russell Moore The book starts out really strong.  Then I got a little lost part-way through.  It's pretty deep.  Or maybe I was just bored.  However, the chapters on gender, marriage, sexuality, and divorce make it a must-read for families dealing with unwanted SSA.  The book does not not deal specifically with SSA, but there are many great principles that certainly apply. Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour by Gayle Haggard Stay with me here.  This is not a book I...

I'm constantly on the lookout for more helpful resources.  One thing we have noticed is that there is a lack of writing from married men with SSA.  Most of the writing I've found ( books , articles, and blogs alike) is written by women with SSA or SSA men that are celibate.  Occasionally, I find writing by a woman married to a man with SSA.  And with most of the writing by married people, they knew before marriage - which is not our story.  What gives?  I guess my husband is going to have to start writing... Anyway, here are the articles and blogs I have found recently: I Married a Same-Sex Attracted Man.  And I Am Blessed.   an article by Jaclyn S. Parrish. This is a blog post by the same author about Struggling with a Spouse's Sexual Sin . Rachel Gilson is a married Christian woman with SSA and a great writer.  Her blog Born Again This Way is worth a read and also contains links to articles she has written.  She was also ...

I recently mentioned that we are reading good books, so I thought I'd share what we've been reading.  I've only linked the books that have previews available. Long before my husband disclosed his struggle with same-sex attraction to me, God had already given me a desire to love people with this issue.  Several years ago I read The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Butterfield.  I have also heard her speak in person and she has an amazing story to tell.  She was on an episode of one of my now-favorite podcasts . After disclosure, we started seeing a counselor and he recommended several books. Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality by Wesley Hill is a sad but hopeful story of a Christian man with SSA choosing to live a celibate life.  Here's a podcast with him. People to Be Loved: Why Homosexuality Is Not Just an Issue by Preston Sprinkle takes a hard look at Biblical theology regarding the issue o...

These are the blogs, posts, and articles that I read when I learned about my own mixed orientation marriage. Wait a minute, a mixed what? What is a mixed orientation marriage? My Mixed Orientation Marriage An Open Conversation on Mixed Orientation Hole in My Heart Ministries  These posts were especially helpful: Not an Identity How God Saved Me and My Marriage Don't Let Me Wallow No Shadow of Shame Most of the mixed orientation couples knew beforehand about their spouse's orientation and most of them are "out".  This is far different from my experience and why I chose to jump into blogging my experience. This may be my all time favorite.  He is not out and he is hysterical!! Common Themes  Christian. Gay. Mixed-orientation marriage. Not alone. Do you know of other great articles or blogs?  Leave a link in the comments.