So I Married a Gay Man.....

I haven't spent a lot of time in psychological/counseling circles and sometimes the phrases that are thrown around sound foreign to me. One such phrase is "doing your work." I kept hearing it and in context it began to make sense but I'm a nerd and decided to research it. Doing your work is about taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions.  Often we find ourselves in situations where we blame circumstances or other people for how we feel, think, and act.  We begin our work by recognizing unhealthy patterns and triggers, then work to uncover our feelings and reactions, and finally discover ways to break the unhealthy patterns. Someone suggested that my husband read a book about "the work" and so he bought it.  And like many other books, I read it first. The book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie is not a typical read.  It has a general introduction to the concept of self-discovery that she calls &

Recently I've been walking alongside a wife that just found out about her husband's SSA.  It is an honor and privilege to be able to be there for someone else.  It has also been fascinating to see just how similarly our reactions, emotions, and thoughts have been.  I can almost predict what she is going to say, and it's a tiny bit creepy. In reality it's predictable because we are both going through the grief cycle.  The grief cycle was first used to describe the process people went through when diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Most people went through predictable stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.  Later it was recognized that these same stages could be seen in the family members of people diagnosed with a terminal illness and eventually that it could explain any type of grief not just death.  More research has also shown that people rarely go through the cycle only once and often do so in a different order.  It's no lon

"I'm sorry to have dragged you into this world."   That's what my husband said recently.  "This world."  This world of same sex attraction and mixed orientation marriage.  We spend a lot of time on this issue - time on the phone with other couples, time in therapy, time processing with each other, time in support groups.  We are walking alongside other couples - some that are ahead of us on this journey and some that are just starting out.  I never would have imagined that I would spend so much time on this topic.  Honestly, I didn't give it much thought at all a year ago. And it IS another world.  It's a private, hidden world talked about in hushed tones or in anonymous blogs.  This is not a topic most people are comfortable talking about, so we mostly stay silent.  Yet, I'm shocked at just how many of "us" there are out there!  We really are not alone.  It's just that we are in hiding.  We are your neighbors, your family,

A "tell" is a common poker term used to describe an unconscious action that is thought to betray an attempted deception.  It can also be used to describe habits or traits that men with same sex attraction have that are considered to be stereotypically gay.   Effeminate mannerisms are probably the most common, but there are many other stereotypes as well.  Obviously, stereotypes are just that - and often not true at all.  However, as with all things, sometimes people live up to the stereotypes.  My husband says he became aware of his "tells" at a very young age and as he grew up he worked very hard to hide them.  Of course some things are harder to hide than others and sometimes simply downplaying it was good enough for him.  He always thought that maybe I at least had some clue about his same sex attraction based on his tells but I assure you - I did not.  I'm not much for playing into stereotypes.  In talking with other wives in mixed orientation marriages,

I'm not gonna lie; I'm glad June is over.  I'll be even happier when all of the rainbow displays are taken down and all of the business logos go back to their original colors.  A symbol that once reminded me of God's promise has been tarnished by the world.  Now it means open rebellion towards God and being proud of it.  I'm not trying to overstate my case.  That's just how I see it. I really want to reclaim the meaning of the rainbow for myself.  I'm just not really sure how.  I want to live in this world and not be a part of the sin that so easily entangles us.  I want to love people and not condone their sinful actions.  I want to bring people to Jesus, but the actual Jesus in the Bible not the one people make up to fit their own ideas.  It is so hard to live against the flow.  To have a marriage that is "not normal" no matter how you look at it.  To have great compassion for LGBTQ people and yet totally disagree with their lifestyles. I gue