So I Married a Gay Man.....

One of my fears all along was that somehow our kids (teens and young adults) would accidentally find out about their dad's SSA, by overhearing a conversation or something, and feel betrayed.  So, we wanted to make sure that they heard our story directly from us in the way and timing that we felt was best.  My husband was a nervous wreck.  He was so afraid that one or more of them would reject him. We set aside some family time and after hanging out for a while we told them. And they were fine.  They love their dad.  They know he loves them.  They had a few good questions and a few "aha" moments, but mostly they thought it was no big deal.  We raised some amazing kids!  This has been super helpful in being more open and honest.  I no longer have to lie about or hide phone calls, retreats, and therapy appointments.  We have always been an open communication family, so it's been hard to be secretive.  I couldn't be happier or more ...

"I'm sorry to have dragged you into this world."   That's what my husband said recently.  "This world."  This world of same sex attraction and mixed orientation marriage.  We spend a lot of time on this issue - time on the phone with other couples, time in therapy, time processing with each other, time in support groups.  We are walking alongside other couples - some that are ahead of us on this journey and some that are just starting out.  I never would have imagined that I would spend so much time on this topic.  Honestly, I didn't give it much thought at all a year ago. And it IS another world.  It's a private, hidden world talked about in hushed tones or in anonymous blogs.  This is not a topic most people are comfortable talking about, so we mostly stay silent.  Yet, I'm shocked at just how many of "us" there are out there!  We really are not alone.  It's just that we are in hiding.  We are your...

I'm not gonna lie; I'm glad June is over.  I'll be even happier when all of the rainbow displays are taken down and all of the business logos go back to their original colors.  A symbol that once reminded me of God's promise has been tarnished by the world.  Now it means open rebellion towards God and being proud of it.  I'm not trying to overstate my case.  That's just how I see it. I really want to reclaim the meaning of the rainbow for myself.  I'm just not really sure how.  I want to live in this world and not be a part of the sin that so easily entangles us.  I want to love people and not condone their sinful actions.  I want to bring people to Jesus, but the actual Jesus in the Bible not the one people make up to fit their own ideas.  It is so hard to live against the flow.  To have a marriage that is "not normal" no matter how you look at it.  To have great compassion for LGBTQ people and yet totally disagree with thei...

It's Pride month!  This month brings up all of my mixed emotions.  Never before has this month really made me pause and think.  Oh sure, I mean I thought about it - but never this deeply, because it simply was never personal for me before. My thoughts on Pride month last year: I don't hate anyone, but really stop shoving your agenda and flaunting your sexuality in my face.  If you want to be gay, be gay - it doesn't really affect me.  I actually feel kinda sorry for you, but I can't say that because it's not politically correct.  Also, I think it's wrong, but I'm not one that's going to shove my religious convictions in your face. So, maybe you can stop, too?  Probably not. My thoughts on Pride month this year:  My best-friend, husband, lover is gay.  Wow!  Suddenly it's personal.  Everywhere I go there are reminders of Pride month - Target, Walmart, Snapchat, Google, Facebook - I can't escape it.  I've read and learned s...

I haven't read these books, but my husband did.  This is my version of what he told me about the books (so take it as hearsay, ha!). Holy Sexuality and the Gospel: Sex, Desire, and Relationships Shaped by God's Grand Story by Christopher Yuan.  Yuan discusses both the theology and practical implications of sexuality, desire, orientation, marriage, and singleness.  He also gives great advice on how respond when someone you know comes out. Here is a podcast with Christopher Yuan.  I actually listened to it :) Space at the Table: Conversations Between an Evangelical Theologian and His Gay Son by Brad Harper and Drew Stafford Harper.  The story is told chronologically from both the father's and son's perspectives, showing us how their relationship fared through the son's coming out.  The father is an evangelical pastor (side B) and the son decided to live a gay lifestyle and reject his faith.  Spoiler alert: the story does not end with the so...

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is going to use all of this in my life.  I knew it from the moment my husband told me about his SSA.  And sure enough God has already started sending people my way. The first was through my church.  A new family started going to our church and I discovered that their adult son is gay.  We knew that they were side B and very loving towards their son.  So, my husband and I decided to take a chance and tell them about us.  They were amazing and we made an immediate connection.  They were hoping to be accepted and "not shunned" - well they got way more than that, they found friends that really understand.  They had not read many books, so of course I loaded them up because... I love books!  I look forward to forming a closer relationship with them. I also met a woman online that is also married to a man that struggles with SSA.  It was a big step of faith to meet her in person, but I'm so glad I...

I only have one childhood friend that I keep in touch with.  We live several states away from each other and talk sporadically.  She called me out of the blue this past week.  And she wanted to talk about her marriage.  So, of course I ended up telling her all about mine and what has transpired in the past few months.  I knew she would be safe.  We've known each other since 4th grade.  We've walked a lot of life together.  I had no idea how encouraging it would be to tell her though. My favorite quotes from her: "Of course you guys are going to make it.  You have always been best friends." "Your marriage is built on way more than this." "Poor thing!  He's been torturing himself his whole life!" "Marriage is so hard!" (talking about herself) "This is a spiritual battle." I'm sure her tone does not come across in a blog post but she was so loving and encouraging.  With each person I tell it gets easier and easier....

As of now we have no intention of being publicly out.  We have not told our children or our families.  But our counselor encouraged us to choose a few safe people to talk to. The first person we agreed to talk to is a close female friend of both my husband and I.  She is full of love and grace, so we knew she would be safe.  She also has other friends that struggle with SSA, so we knew she would understand.  She was awesome, as expected. The next person was a close friend of mine - someone that I knew would ask me hard questions, pray for me, and encourage me.  I was nervous about telling her but she responded exactly as I expected her to - she asked me hard questions, prayed for me, and encouraged me.  She checks in on me regularly.  I really needed her and I'm so grateful that God put her in my life. Then it was my husband's turn - he was petrified to tell anyone.  He chose to tell a friend of the first person we told that also strugg...