So I Married a Gay Man.....

Attraction is a tricky word and one that comes up a lot when discussing same-sex attraction (SSA).  I mean, it's right there in the name.  What does attraction really mean and how do we use that word? My now husband told me before we ever started dating that he was not attracted to me.  What he was trying to communicate was that he wasn't attracted to women in general.  But that is not what he said and certainly not how I heard or interpreted what he said.  I heard, "I am not attracted to you ."  Long after we started dating, long after we got married, long after I knew how much he loved me, I could still hear these words.  They have been a deep hurt for me.  I heard them through my own brokenness and continued to use them against myself for years. During this time of re-framing past conversations and experiences through this new lens of my husband's SSA, I have tried to let that hurt go.  Yet, as we have discussed attraction he stands by the thought behind th

As of now we have no intention of being publicly out.  We have not told our children or our families.  But our counselor encouraged us to choose a few safe people to talk to. The first person we agreed to talk to is a close female friend of both my husband and I.  She is full of love and grace, so we knew she would be safe.  She also has other friends that struggle with SSA, so we knew she would understand.  She was awesome, as expected. The next person was a close friend of mine - someone that I knew would ask me hard questions, pray for me, and encourage me.  I was nervous about telling her but she responded exactly as I expected her to - she asked me hard questions, prayed for me, and encouraged me.  She checks in on me regularly.  I really needed her and I'm so grateful that God put her in my life. Then it was my husband's turn - he was petrified to tell anyone.  He chose to tell a friend of the first person we told that also struggles with SSA.  Even though they bare

It's hard to have a secret identity, to hide from everyone, even those closest to you.  Really there is only one way you can successfully hide for so many years - lies. Trying to understand how I didn't know that my husband was gay for over two decades of marriage is difficult.  Let me also say, since you don't know me, that I am not a stupid or naive person.  I have a master's degree.  I understand people.  But I was duped.  How could that happen? Our counselor introduced me to a term I had never heard of - gaslighthing. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a person, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.  This is done by systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. It sounds pretty evil, and it is.  At first my h

In case I haven't made this clear - I am broken. There are a host of reasons why.  And I'm sure you can relate.  We live in a fallen world and we are all broken in many ways. I am broken because my father left when I was young.  I am broken because I was bullied as a child.  I am broken because I have struggled with suicide ideation from the age of ten.  I am broken because I have always hated the way I look.  To say I have low self-esteem would be a huge understatement. So, when my husband wasn't enamored with my looks - that made sense to my brokenness.  When he didn't tell me how beautiful or sexy I was - that made sense to my brokenness.   Don't hear me wrong.  He has never been cruel or rude to me.  He has been neutral. You look fine. Your body is fine just the way it is. I don't care how much you weigh. I don't care if you wear makeup or not. When I was insecure and needed affirmation, I usually received neutral statement