So I Married a Gay Man.....

If you have been in the church for any length of time, you are familiar with the story of Lazarus.  Jesus raises his friend Lazarus from the dead after being in the grave for four days.  That part is significant because this wasn't the first time that Jesus had raised someone from the dead, but when he did it shortly after death people explained it away - maybe they weren't really dead, you know? - but it's hard to explain away four days in a grave. The sermon at church this morning was on this miracle of Jesus.  And even though I've read and heard this story numerous times, I started to cry. "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was." - John 11:5-6 ESV It's easy to gloss over that because we know how the story ends.  Lazarus will live and be reunited with his sisters.  BUT they did not know that!  So when Jesus shows up four days after he dies, both sist

It's been 90 weeks since my husband disclosed his same-sex attraction. That's over 20 months.  Creeping up on two years. Most days I feel like a normal person with normal problems.  Our cycles of craziness are less and less frequent.  I am generally peaceful and hopeful.  I still have doubts.  I'm never quite sure if I can relax yet - or should I brace myself for more ups and downs. We are less and less focused on his SSA, though we both are still connected to the Brothers Road community and have plans to attend more events this year.  Right now we are working on rebuilding our marriage and our life together.  We've been able to protect our children through the madness but we have not done as well personally. Recently my husband made a playlist of love songs for me.  I thought he'd maybe come up with five.  It was actually a long list.  It was heartfelt and made me cry happy tears.  See, too often I think he doesn't think of me in a romantic way anymore.

Chemistry - once my favorite subject in school and my almost major turned minor in college.  I've always loved it.  But now I really hate that word. Chemistry - something my husband doesn't have with me, but apparently feels with other men on occasion.  It's not that he wants that to happen.  In fact, it makes him crazy.  And depressed.  That's why he has avoided men for most of his life.  But that didn't work out well and so we are trying something different.  And sometimes different is scary.  Truth be told, most people that have been married for over two decades probably don't feel chemistry anymore.  I can't really say that I feel that for him either.  But I used to.  He used to give me butterflies.  I just feel incredibly sad thinking that maybe he never felt butterflies with me.  Also, I don't really understand him.  After I got married, I stopped noticing other men.  Only once in our entire marriage have I felt butterflies for another man