So I Married a Gay Man.....

My husband and I have used several forms of accountability check-ins over the past year and a half.  Most of them form some sort of acronym that is easy to remember.  I wrote about one of of our favorites, SPERM - which stands for Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, Relational, and Mental.  We use these categories to discuss how we are doing in each area. I've also come to realize that the same categories can be used to define self-care.  We need to make time for ourselves and yet too often I find that we overlook many aspects of self-care or limit ourselves to one or two very narrow categories.  At least I know I have. Since we are women, let's rearrange the letters and go with PERMS.  (Anyone else admit to having a perm in the 80's???  Just me?) P- Physical:  What can you do to care for yourself physically?  Get plenty of sleep Exercise, take a walk, stretch, yoga Eat well & stay hydrated Take a bath, shower Go to the ch...

If you have been in the church for any length of time, you are familiar with the story of Lazarus.  Jesus raises his friend Lazarus from the dead after being in the grave for four days.  That part is significant because this wasn't the first time that Jesus had raised someone from the dead, but when he did it shortly after death people explained it away - maybe they weren't really dead, you know? - but it's hard to explain away four days in a grave. The sermon at church this morning was on this miracle of Jesus.  And even though I've read and heard this story numerous times, I started to cry. "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was." - John 11:5-6 ESV It's easy to gloss over that because we know how the story ends.  Lazarus will live and be reunited with his sisters.  BUT they did not know that!  So when Jesus shows up four days after he dies, both sist...

It's been 90 weeks since my husband disclosed his same-sex attraction. That's over 20 months.  Creeping up on two years. Most days I feel like a normal person with normal problems.  Our cycles of craziness are less and less frequent.  I am generally peaceful and hopeful.  I still have doubts.  I'm never quite sure if I can relax yet - or should I brace myself for more ups and downs. We are less and less focused on his SSA, though we both are still connected to the Brothers Road community and have plans to attend more events this year.  Right now we are working on rebuilding our marriage and our life together.  We've been able to protect our children through the madness but we have not done as well personally. Recently my husband made a playlist of love songs for me.  I thought he'd maybe come up with five.  It was actually a long list.  It was heartfelt and made me cry happy tears.  See, too often I think he doesn't think of...

Chemistry - once my favorite subject in school and my almost major turned minor in college.  I've always loved it.  But now I really hate that word. Chemistry - something my husband doesn't have with me, but apparently feels with other men on occasion.  It's not that he wants that to happen.  In fact, it makes him crazy.  And depressed.  That's why he has avoided men for most of his life.  But that didn't work out well and so we are trying something different.  And sometimes different is scary.  Truth be told, most people that have been married for over two decades probably don't feel chemistry anymore.  I can't really say that I feel that for him either.  But I used to.  He used to give me butterflies.  I just feel incredibly sad thinking that maybe he never felt butterflies with me.  Also, I don't really understand him.  After I got married, I stopped noticing other men.  Only once in our entire ma...

Have you ever been going about your normal routine and WHAM you are crying uncontrollably or just overwhelmed by sadness?  You weren't sad a moment ago.  You may or may not even know what prompted it.  But all of the sudden you feel like you can't even move.  Just me?  Alrighty then.... I recently read an article about grief that made me feel a little less crazy.  The article is specifically talking about grief after death, but as I've mentioned before we now know that all grief works in similar ways.  I have been experiencing what is known as a STUG, a Sudden Temporary Upsurge of Grief.  A STUG is unexpected, threatening, and intense.  It can be accompanied by crying, nausea, vomiting, racing pulse, and feeling like you can't breathe.  Some people compare it to a panic attack.  It leaves you feeling agitated and frightened.  And rightly so - that's an intense physical reaction to grief. Getting through a STUG is very sim...

Sometimes I look back and wonder how I made it.  Some days it's a wonder I'm still breathing.  But I did more than survive.  I continued on with life during the crisis.  I went to work, took care of kids, made dinner, cleaned, went to church, and on and on.  Only by God's grace was I able to get out of bed and face each day.  Here's how I did it. 1.  Prayer - I started every day with prayer.  There were times when I just couldn't pray anymore and that was ok, too.  Sometimes I just cried to God, literally just cried because that's all I could do. 2.  Music - I listened to music everyday.  Some of it was encouraging and some of it was just cathartic.  I mostly listened to worship music but also to other Christian music that resonated with me.  Nothing secular -not that I have anything against it but I just needed to soak in Godly music. 3.  Old friends - I needed friends that have known me and my husband for year...

Last weekend my husband and I attended a marriage retreat for mixed orientation couples.  The part I was most excited about was finally getting to meet one of my best mixed orientation marriage friends.  She and I have only ever talked on the phone, we've never met in person.  It was so much fun to hang out in real life!! Then came the actual retreat.  We went into the weekend feeling good.  I was not prepared for all of the hard work we were going to do!  The first night ended terribly.  Every single marriage exercise we participated in ended in an argument.  It was NOT pretty.  I decided it was a mistake to even be there.  We had some one-on-one time with a wiser couple and went to bed exhausted. The next day we were able to see some of the bad communication habits that we have developed in the past year.  The stress and anxiety of the past year had really taken a toll on our communication.  I was able to identify my tend...

It's a new year.  Finally! I have been wishing 2019 to end since it began.  Seriously, since January 1, 2019 I wanted the year to end because I sensed it would be a terrible year .  The worst year actually.  And it was.  My fears were all confirmed and it was the worst year of my life.  But it's finally over. In the weeks leading up to 2020, I kept hoping that I would wake up feeling something way better than dread - hope, joy, anything positive would do.  Instead, I woke up feeling nothing.  Just a normal day.  Nothing good and nothing bad, just neutral.  Not what I wanted, but I'll take it. Now I just have to keep moving forward.  This year holds a lot of changes for me and my family.  I am truly looking forward to all of the changes.  It's a fresh start.  Maybe the good feelings will come with time.

It's been a while since I posted last.  I'd like to say it's just because I've been busy.  But the truth is it's because I don't know what to say.  I keep hoping that I will be happy and things will be easy - honestly I'd just settle for feeling normal again, whatever that means.  And yet here I am still feeling down and crying more than I'd like to admit.  I really wanted to be merry this Christmas, but I wasn't feeling it.  Nothing bad has happened recently.  I keep telling myself that I should be happy. But I'm just not. I've been watching sappy romantic Christmas movies.  That is probably a mistake.  My life is not a fairy-tale, my marriage is not a picture-perfect romance, and I don't feel like I'm going to get a happy ending.  Everything feels uncertain and unstable. But I know this is just how trauma feels - I should expect it.  I guess I'm just tired.  I'm hoping these blues will pass. There's a song I can rea...

This month we are keeping a journal of thankfulness.  We are keeping it simple - just a small notebook in our bedroom with a pen nearby.  Every day we each write down something we are thankful for, without duplicating anything.  It's funny how on some days I can think of several things and other days I'm at a loss of what to write.  And that is truly ridiculous because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.   What we focus on will  determine how we feel , how we think, and how we act.  What we focus on will also  shape our beliefs  - beliefs about the world, those around us, and even ourselves.  Clearly our focus is important and we should be aware of what are focusing on.  Right now we are choosing to focus on what we are thankful for and that is proving to be helpful in so many other areas. Maybe you are thinking, "But you don't understand just how difficult my life is right now!  I can't be thankful!"  I ge...

The roller-coaster has been all too real lately.  Emotional highs can be great, but the lows can be devastating.  The endless cycle of shame and fear have been killing us.  Getting off the roller-coaster is imperative and yet it's been exhausting work. We made 3 agreements towards ending the cycle.  They are written on our bathroom mirror as a daily reminder of our agreements.  So far, it has been a major step forward for us.  I am praying it will last! 1. Renewed commitment We made a solid mutual pact to work on our marriage.  When we first got married, we had a rule - we would never even say the word divorce.  Recently we have let words like divorce and separation enter our vocabulary.  That had to stop.  It wasn't helpful for either of us. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfa...

I drove into the desert, to a place I've never been before, to meet with a group of people I've never met before, and pour my heart out to a depth I've never experienced before.  I was anxious and exhilarated.  I had no idea what was going to happen but my instincts told me it would be good. I went to Utah for a weekend retreat for women.  This wasn't just any retreat.  It is "a weekend for overcoming trauma and/or betrayal and finding your strength."  And I did just that.  I found my strength. The myth of La Loba the Wolf Woman, initiates the question, “What has happened to my soul-voice? How do I make my life come alive again?" La Loba is a  Daughters of Light  event through The Toolbox .  The weekend focused on 3 elements: " Healing : Trauma and/or betrayal, Connecting : to your intuition/soul, God and sisters, and Strengthening : your power & strength."  This powerful weekend uses different activities to guide you ...

My husband recently attended a second Journey into Manhood  (JiM) weekend.  It was much easier the second time around for both of us because we knew what to expect. I'm in contact with several wives whose husbands attended the same weekend, only it was their first weekend.  I tried to reassure them that they were not making a mistake in letting their husbands go do their work .  But I also let them know the reality of the "slump" that happens a week or so after the weekend.  Well, it's one week later and some of them are experiencing it.  The confident husband that came home a week ago is now an emotional mess.  The roller-coaster of emotions is so draining!  Now the wives are really wondering if it was worth it.  Their husbands are talking about thoughts and desires that are painful to hear about.  Emotions are running high and hope seems to be running low.  Some have said that it seems like a step backwards in their marria...

She's quiet, meek, and far too gentle.  She seems like she is walking on eggshells.  Everyone sees the problem but apparently she is oblivious or maybe she is just an enabler.  She is weak and powerless.  She acts as if she can't do anything on her own.  She is not her own person.  This is what I have always pictured when I hear the word codependent.  This is not me. Therefore, I am not codependent. And yet, that word kept coming up.  People kept mentioning this great book.  My therapist mentioned the word several times.  I thought maybe I should look into it. After reading Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie, I realize that I am codependent. So what is codependency?  The starting point is understanding that the concept comes from dependency - as in addiction.  The addict is often called "chemically dependent" when referring to drugs or alcohol.  ...

It's been 52 weeks since my husband disclosed his same-sex attraction. A whole year. Everyone said the first year would be difficult. That was a huge understatement. I have been looking forward to this post, hoping that this would mark a turning point.  I would be happy and feel safe, settled, and secure.  Well, I can't really say any of those things.  And that's really disappointing.  So much of life lately has been disappointing. I started 2019 with a feeling of dread .  Unfortunately, I wasn't far off.  This year was far more difficult than I had anticipated.  I had hoped that the year would end well... it's only September, so there's still time left and I'm holding on to hope. We are still doing our "work".  My husband just attended a second Journey Into Manhood weekend.  I am going to an intensive weekend in October.  We are still seeing our therapist (love him!).  We have made lots of friends and accountability partn...

One of my fears all along was that somehow our kids (teens and young adults) would accidentally find out about their dad's SSA, by overhearing a conversation or something, and feel betrayed.  So, we wanted to make sure that they heard our story directly from us in the way and timing that we felt was best.  My husband was a nervous wreck.  He was so afraid that one or more of them would reject him. We set aside some family time and after hanging out for a while we told them. And they were fine.  They love their dad.  They know he loves them.  They had a few good questions and a few "aha" moments, but mostly they thought it was no big deal.  We raised some amazing kids!  This has been super helpful in being more open and honest.  I no longer have to lie about or hide phone calls, retreats, and therapy appointments.  We have always been an open communication family, so it's been hard to be secretive.  I couldn't be happier or more ...

I haven't spent a lot of time in psychological/counseling circles and sometimes the phrases that are thrown around sound foreign to me. One such phrase is "doing your work." I kept hearing it and in context it began to make sense but I'm a nerd and decided to research it. Doing your work is about taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions.  Often we find ourselves in situations where we blame circumstances or other people for how we feel, think, and act.  We begin our work by recognizing unhealthy patterns and triggers, then work to uncover our feelings and reactions, and finally discover ways to break the unhealthy patterns. Someone suggested that my husband read a book about "the work" and so he bought it.  And like many other books, I read it first. The book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie is not a typical read.  It has a general introduction to the concept of self-discovery that she calls ...

Recently I've been walking alongside a wife that just found out about her husband's SSA.  It is an honor and privilege to be able to be there for someone else.  It has also been fascinating to see just how similarly our reactions, emotions, and thoughts have been.  I can almost predict what she is going to say, and it's a tiny bit creepy. In reality it's predictable because we are both going through the grief cycle.  The grief cycle was first used to describe the process people went through when diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Most people went through predictable stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.  Later it was recognized that these same stages could be seen in the family members of people diagnosed with a terminal illness and eventually that it could explain any type of grief not just death.  More research has also shown that people rarely go through the cycle only once and often do so in a different order...

It's been a while since I have reviewed any books and that's simply because I haven't been reading any.  Well, I've been reading but only my daily Bible reading and books related to my job.  For my summer reading, I am staying away from anything SSA specific and sticking with books I can take to the pool and the beach without hiding the cover.  I'm on vacation and devouring books, so here goes! I had the pleasure of hearing Bob Goff speak several months ago and he was funny, encouraging, and challenging all at the same time - and that's difficult to pull off.  He has the energy and enthusiasm of a preteen, the humility of a monk, and the wisdom of a sage.  His recent book, Everybody, Always: Becoming Love in a World Full of Setbacks and Difficult People , has the same combination of encouragement and challenge mixed in with humor and engaging stories.  The book's focus is on loving others well; loving them like Jesus does.  And not just o...

It's been exactly 39 weeks since my husband disclosed that he has unwanted same sex attraction.   I wish I could say that it has only gotten easier, but in truth the past few months have been hard.  The deeper we dig the more difficult this journey becomes. It does feel like we have come a long way, but I also know that we still have a long way yet to go.  And that can be discouraging.  Someone recently said that this journey feels painstakingly slow for the wife and breathtakingly fast for the husband.  That is definitely true for us! So what does our journey look like right now?  The Journey into Manhood weekend was super helpful and Brother's Road continues to be a resource for both of us with weekly conference calls of support.  I'm planning on attending a weekend conference in the fall.  We are still seeing a therapist, both separately and together.  We are still reading books and listening to blogs and trying to learn ho...