So I Married a Gay Man.....

The topic of how men with SSA can have healthy friendships with other men with SSA comes up a lot. I mean, I get it - it seems counterintuitive, almost crazy to let two SSA men form a close friendship. But it can and should be done. I've already talked about my fears when he first went to meet a bunch of other SSA men . And I've talked about the friends we have made through Brothers Road - some of those friendships have lasted and others have not. So now I want to talk about my husband's best friend. My husband has always had a hard time having close relationships with men (I knew this long before I understood why). He once had a really close friendship that was so good for him and super healthy... until this friend betrayed him, which was one of the events that led to his deep depression, acting out, and ultimately confessing to me about his SSA. But I digress. Through Brothers Road, my husband met a great guy.  I'm going to call him Leo here. They have built a beauti...

My husband and I have used several forms of accountability check-ins over the past year and a half.  Most of them form some sort of acronym that is easy to remember.  I wrote about one of of our favorites, SPERM - which stands for Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, Relational, and Mental.  We use these categories to discuss how we are doing in each area. I've also come to realize that the same categories can be used to define self-care.  We need to make time for ourselves and yet too often I find that we overlook many aspects of self-care or limit ourselves to one or two very narrow categories.  At least I know I have. Since we are women, let's rearrange the letters and go with PERMS.  (Anyone else admit to having a perm in the 80's???  Just me?) P- Physical:  What can you do to care for yourself physically?  Get plenty of sleep Exercise, take a walk, stretch, yoga Eat well & stay hydrated Take a bath, shower Go to the ch...

It's been 52 weeks since my husband disclosed his same-sex attraction. A whole year. Everyone said the first year would be difficult. That was a huge understatement. I have been looking forward to this post, hoping that this would mark a turning point.  I would be happy and feel safe, settled, and secure.  Well, I can't really say any of those things.  And that's really disappointing.  So much of life lately has been disappointing. I started 2019 with a feeling of dread .  Unfortunately, I wasn't far off.  This year was far more difficult than I had anticipated.  I had hoped that the year would end well... it's only September, so there's still time left and I'm holding on to hope. We are still doing our "work".  My husband just attended a second Journey Into Manhood weekend.  I am going to an intensive weekend in October.  We are still seeing our therapist (love him!).  We have made lots of friends and accountability partn...

It's been two weeks since my husband attended a Journey into Manhood weekend.  We were both warned that there would be a low spot about a week after his return, and they were right.  There were a few difficult days of emotions and fear.  But that has passed and we are in a really good place. On the drive home from the weekend, my husband called me.  One of the first things he said was, "We have new best friends!"  I cried.  (I do that a lot; I know.)  We have never actually met another mixed-orientation couple before.  To have friends that totally get us - this is amazing!  I immediately contacted this new best friend, the wife, and told her, "My husband just told me that you and your husband are our new best friends.  Can't wait to chat with you."  Now, you have to understand I have never met or spoken to this person.  I just declared that we are now best friends.  She is probably going to think I'm a complete lunatic....

So, I mentioned a month ago that my husband was going to do some in-depth therapy.  Technically it's not therapy, but "an experiential weekend of of self-discovery, brotherhood, personal-growth, and inner-healing work."  And it's awesome. I was somewhat skeptical, but figured it couldn't hurt.  I wasn't expecting a cure for SSA.  In fact, I was just hoping he could come away with less shame and maybe some deeper understanding of himself.  Besides, what do we have to lose?  But that was when he signed up a few months ago.  Then I fell into a deep depression.  I suddenly became fearful.  A group of men that all struggle with SSA, together?  for a weekend?  What was I thinking??? But I determined to remain calm and trust God.  I prayed A LOT. And you know what happened?  God showed up.  He really did.  My husband did a lot of that inner-healing work.  He dealt with childhood trauma.  He dealt with h...

I've been processing how important boundaries are in relationships.  I keep hearing/reading stories about women that are in really destructive relationships.  I'm heartbroken for them.  If you or someone you know is living with infidelity - this one is for you.  I am not a counselor, nor an expert of any kind.  These are just my personal thoughts. 1.  If your spouse is actively or repeatedly cheating on you - do NOT be physically intimate with them.  This is a danger to your physical safety, to say nothing of your emotional and spiritual safety.  If this upsets/bothers/angers your spouse - that is their problem!  They have crossed the line and any repercussions they feel or experience are due to their own failure - not yours.  Do not own their problem. 2.  You need at least 30 to 90 days of abstinence for several reasons.  Sex addiction recovery programs all recognize the need for abstinence during recovery.  You may ...

We do a weekly check-in now about how we are doing in several areas of life.  We had this long list of questions that was really cumbersome and tedious.  Then my husband found an acrostic for accountability - an acrostic that only a guy would come up with - SPERM. At first I said, no, I just can't even handle that level of.... I'm not even sure what to call it - immaturity, male weirdness, inappropriate... just no.  But then, I decided to give it a try and actually it was way better than our crazy list of questions.  So, here you go. S- Spiritual: How are you doing in your relationship with God?  How are you practicing spiritual disciplines? What is God saying to you? P - Physical: How do you feel physically?  Are you caring for your body?  Are you eating well?  Exercising enough? Getting enough sleep/rest? E - Emotional:  How do you feel emotionally? Are you controlling your emotions or are they controlling you? R - Relational...