My worst day
I've had good days and bad days. I'm having more and more good days lately and very few bad days. I still occasionally find myself caught off guard by a bad moment. Like a few nights ago when I suddenly felt so insecure and without warning just started crying. My sweet husband just held me and let me cry until I felt better. And he reminded me that he isn't going anywhere - that he chooses me.
That's where my bad days usually come from. A deep sense of insecurity and fear.
My worst day happened six weeks ago. I was reading blogs online about mixed orientation marriages. There was one rather "famous" couple that had been blogging about their marriage for several years and had somewhat recently announced that they were getting divorced. The announcement post sent me into a tailspin. Why? Everything they said resonated with me. Why they had gotten married to begin with, why it worked, why they loved each other, etc, etc. - I could have written almost every word (except that she knew about his SSA before they got married). And every reason they gave for getting divorced - I could have written most of that, too. How she never quite felt desired or desirable. How they both felt that she deserved someone to love her in that way. How tired he was of fighting his desires. How it had made him feel ashamed, lonely, and depressed. How neither of them were completely satisfied - he was sacrificing his desires and she was sacrificing feeling desired. They still loved each other, but they were giving up. He had decided to live a gay lifestyle.
This is my greatest fear. And reading their story and identifying so closely with it made me feel utterly hopeless.
My husband was in a work meeting when all this happened and I was a crying mess. So, I quickly texted the two friends that knew about us. I gave them the run down of what I had read. Praise God for good friends! They reminded me that we are NOT that couple. We have our own story to write. And more importantly we have the Holy Spirit guiding and directing us. We love Jesus and want to honor Him with our lives. They prayed with me and I felt much better.
By the time my husband came home I was in a better place. I told him all about it and we had a great conversation. Ever since that day, I have been much more careful about what I read. What we focus on will change how we think.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8
That's where my bad days usually come from. A deep sense of insecurity and fear.
My worst day happened six weeks ago. I was reading blogs online about mixed orientation marriages. There was one rather "famous" couple that had been blogging about their marriage for several years and had somewhat recently announced that they were getting divorced. The announcement post sent me into a tailspin. Why? Everything they said resonated with me. Why they had gotten married to begin with, why it worked, why they loved each other, etc, etc. - I could have written almost every word (except that she knew about his SSA before they got married). And every reason they gave for getting divorced - I could have written most of that, too. How she never quite felt desired or desirable. How they both felt that she deserved someone to love her in that way. How tired he was of fighting his desires. How it had made him feel ashamed, lonely, and depressed. How neither of them were completely satisfied - he was sacrificing his desires and she was sacrificing feeling desired. They still loved each other, but they were giving up. He had decided to live a gay lifestyle.
This is my greatest fear. And reading their story and identifying so closely with it made me feel utterly hopeless.
My husband was in a work meeting when all this happened and I was a crying mess. So, I quickly texted the two friends that knew about us. I gave them the run down of what I had read. Praise God for good friends! They reminded me that we are NOT that couple. We have our own story to write. And more importantly we have the Holy Spirit guiding and directing us. We love Jesus and want to honor Him with our lives. They prayed with me and I felt much better.
By the time my husband came home I was in a better place. I told him all about it and we had a great conversation. Ever since that day, I have been much more careful about what I read. What we focus on will change how we think.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8
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