Love and Desire

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  Our first day celebrating love since he told me about his same-sex attractions.  We've never been big Valentine's Day people anyway - maybe a small token of love or a nice dinner together, not the over commercialized stuff.  Thinking about Valentine's day brought to mind a card my husband once gave me.  It's wasn't a Valentine's Day card; it was a "just because" card, written in September of the first year of our marriage.  Once I thought about it, I became desperate to find it.  I remember saving it because it was so special to me and I wanted to remember why.

We found it. We read it together.  We cried.  It was exactly what I needed to hear. 

For the past 20 weeks I have been asking a lot of hard questions. 
How did I not know?
Does he really love me as a wife or am I just a friend?
Can he love me and not desire me?  Can I handle that?

We all have a need to be desired.  I recently listened to a great podcast about desire.  (At minute 38 you will get a glimpse into how our marriage works.)  It helped put some things in perspective.  The need to be desired comes from God and ultimately can only be fulfilled by Him - God desires us, He chose us.  Yet, it's also important for people to reflect this - that we are desired and chosen by others.  That's what I want reflected in my husband.  Not that he "completes me" or that I find my worth in him, but just to know that I am chosen and desired by him.  That's why I cried when I read the card.  It means even more to me now than it did over twenty years ago.  And reading it through this new lens of SSA makes it even extra special.  It answers a lot of my questions.

"Today you crossed my mind again and again.  I wanted to bring you flowers, but that would have made a scene at your work - I guess I was feeling shy.  So I found this card to express my love for you.  When we're together, I feel like the little boy on the front of this card.  I have come to need, like breath, daily affection from you, and oddly as it may seem, I can never be satisfied or quenched of this desire.  You have made the last two years of my life the most enjoyable and I mean that.  And since (our wedding date) you and I have experienced some incredible and wonderful adventures together.  You make every day worth getting out of bed.  When I open my eyes to see your body, I always smile for you are the greatest joy in my life.  I love you!  And although I'm not the best at expressing my affection and love, please know that you are my greatest love in life.  Please forgive me when I say things that hurt.  I'm still learning to be sensitive with my words.  Never, ever forget the depth of my commitment to you, before hundreds of people and before God I pledged to love you and care for you for my entire life.  Our love is forever.  I also want to thank you for being a wonderful spiritual companion.  You and I have grown tremendously and I know that through (...) and learning together we will grow stronger together in God.  I love you and know that our love is forever!!"