Boundaries

I've been processing how important boundaries are in relationships.  I keep hearing/reading stories about women that are in really destructive relationships.  I'm heartbroken for them.  If you or someone you know is living with infidelity - this one is for you.  I am not a counselor, nor an expert of any kind.  These are just my personal thoughts.


1.  If your spouse is actively or repeatedly cheating on you - do NOT be physically intimate with them.  This is a danger to your physical safety, to say nothing of your emotional and spiritual safety.  If this upsets/bothers/angers your spouse - that is their problem!  They have crossed the line and any repercussions they feel or experience are due to their own failure - not yours.  Do not own their problem.

2.  You need at least 30 to 90 days of abstinence for several reasons.  Sex addiction recovery programs all recognize the need for abstinence during recovery.  You may have been exposed to STDs. You and your spouse should get tested.  It takes 90 days for all of the tests to be accurate, so if you get the all clear after 90 days of abstinence you are safe.  Even then, you will need to process the safety of resuming physical intimacy based on his level of recovery.

3.  Your spouse needs counseling.  If they refuse counseling, they are not honoring you or your marriage.  Real recovery cannot happen in a vacuum.  If he is in denial or in any way minimizes his issues and the damage he has caused, you need to seriously consider a separation for the sake of your own safety and sanity.

4.  Your spouse needs boundaries.  If they refuse to be open and honest in any way, they are not honoring you or your marriage. You should have complete access to all texts, emails, social media accounts, bank accounts, etc.  He should be willing to have internet accountability and/or GPS tracking software installed on all of his devices.  If he is unwilling to do this, if he is secretive or demands his privacy, or if he blames you in any way for suggesting these boundaries - he is not serious about recovery.


I in no way want to mention divorce in a flippant way.  I am a child from a divorced home.  I know how painful and destructive it can be.  However, infidelity is a Biblical reason to divorce your spouse.  Infidelity doesn't mean you must divorce; in fact many marriages recover and even thrive after infidelity, but it takes a lot of hard work.  If your spouse is not willing to do the hard work of recovery after infidelity, you can Biblically leave the marriage.  Please do not allow yourself to be physically, emotionally, or spiritually abused by the unfaithfulness of your spouse.

I hope you and your spouse choose the hard work of recovery.  It will be a long road, but God will walk alongside you and uphold you with his mighty hand.

Here are some resources that you may find helpful.  I have not read all of these books, but they come recommended by friends and counselors.  Some of these resources are not from a Christian perspective, but may still be beneficial.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships by Dr. John Townsend



For you (or the offended party):
Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal: The Essential Tools for Healing by Dr. Kevin Skinner

TED talk: Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved by Esther Perel

For him (or  the offender):
After an Affair: Pursuing Restoration (31-Day Devotionals for Life) by Michael Scott Gembola

Worthy of Her Trust: What You Need to Do to Rebuild Sexual Integrity and Win Her Back by Stephen Arterburn and Jason B. Martinkus
Article - 3 Reasons Deception is More Destructive Than Porn to Your Wife by Carl Stewart