It's no joke

It may be April Fool's Day, but this post is no joke.

I realize now that it's been nearly a month since my last post and there's a reason why.  I have been in a really low place... like really, really low.  I have struggled with depression and suicide ideation since I was ten, so this is not new for me but I haven't been in this low of a place for over a decade.  And it's scary.

I have been trying to deal with my own childhood trauma in therapy.  Last month I was given more information by a family member about my childhood that just tore open old wounds.  It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  I just couldn't handle one more revelation of dishonesty and betrayal.  I sank fast.  I was crying uncontrollably again, having panic attacks, harming myself, and thinking about suicide far too often.  Back to the counselor for help and to my doctor for some medication to get me through this tough spot.  I feel like a bit of failure admitting all of this, but I know I needed to take positive action to make it.  And it's working.  I'm feeling alive again and able to cope.  There's still a lot of hard work ahead of me in terms of therapy, but I'm no longer a danger to myself.  So there's that.