Shame

Shame is a constant topic for us right now.  I am starting to understand just how much shame has shaped my husband and by extension our marriage and even me.  It is an unwelcome visitor that doesn't want to leave.  Ignoring it doesn't work.  In order to heal shame we must seek it out and deal with it.

I first heard about Dr. Curt Thompson, MD from this very powerful two part podcast.  Part one is a great intro into understanding shame.  Part two explores practical ways to combat shame.  After listening to him, I bought his book, The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves.  I highly recommend it as a must read.

Here are my thoughts and some favorite quotes from the book.

"shame begins with our self-condemnation."

We are all constantly telling ourselves stories: stories about ourselves, others, and God.  Which stories we choose to tell and believe make all the difference.  Evil does not simply tempt us to do wrong, it tempts us to believe that we are not enough.  Shame wants us to hide in fear of rejection and abandonment.  Shame wants us to be disintegrated from ourselves, God, and others.  The more we focus on this the more the shame cycle continues.

"Love and shame are the two fundamental affective states warring for our souls."

"Those parts of us that feel most broken and we keep most hidden are the parts that most desperately need to be known by God, so as to be loved and healed.  These are the parts that contain our shame."

We must deal with shame in order to live integrated lives that bring us joy and peace.  We must be willing to do the opposite of what shame tells us to do - we must be vulnerable and reach out to others rather than hide. We can begin to tell ourselves stories that are true and honest.  We can retrain our brains to think and live in a new way.  We cannot however do this alone.  It can only happen in community as we encourage one another to disregard shame and live vulnerable integrated lives.  To be loved, we must be known.  To be known, we must be vulnerable.

"Shame does not need to have the talking stick when we tell the stories of our lives."