The Grief Cycle

Recently I've been walking alongside a wife that just found out about her husband's SSA.  It is an honor and privilege to be able to be there for someone else.  It has also been fascinating to see just how similarly our reactions, emotions, and thoughts have been.  I can almost predict what she is going to say, and it's a tiny bit creepy.

In reality it's predictable because we are both going through the grief cycle.  The grief cycle was first used to describe the process people went through when diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Most people went through predictable stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.  Later it was recognized that these same stages could be seen in the family members of people diagnosed with a terminal illness and eventually that it could explain any type of grief not just death.  More research has also shown that people rarely go through the cycle only once and often do so in a different order.  It's no longer thought to be a linear process but more of a roller coaster of emotions.  Sound familiar?  There are also models of seven stages of grief instead of five, and I prefer the seven stage model.

So, I wanted to share with you how learning that your spouse has same sex attractions might be expressed through the stages of grief.  How the spouse learned about it, through discovery or disclosure, and what other things may have come to light, such as past or present infidelity, will play a role on how extreme the responses may be.  These are just some possibilities.


Denial / Shock -  Calm, peaceful, resolved, maybe even smiling and laughing
"I can't believe this."  "Everything will be fine."  "This is no big deal."  "Nothing really changed."  "We are better than ever."  "I'm just so glad he is being honest with me." "I am in a good place."

Pain - Crying, sadness, fear, dread, despair, trouble sleeping and eating
"Why me?"  "Is our marriage even real?"  "Can he even love me?"  "How can I be married to someone that isn't attracted to me?"  "How could I not know?"  "I must be so stupid."  "He doesn't even want me."  "He would rather be with someone else."  "He doesn't really care about me."  "He doesn't really love me."  "My heart is shattered."

Anger - Anger, disgust, irritable, yelling, cursing, lashing out, loss of control
"How could he do this?"  "Why did God let this happen to me?"  "How could he lie to me?"  "Does he even want me?"  "How can he say he loves me?"  "He can't be trusted."  "He should have told me before marriage so I could have a choice."  "I deserve a normal marriage."  "He is not who I thought he was."  "This is not fair."  "I don't deserve this life."

Bargaining -  Anxiety, fear, guilt, pleading, making plans
"Maybe we can just get back to normal."  "Our love is enough."  "Therapy will solve all of our problems."  "If he will do _______, then everything will be fine."  "If I just don't bring it up, it will go away."  "If only he had told me sooner."  "If only I looked more attractive."  "If only I had been a better wife."  "We should move away and start a new life."

Depression - Devastated, hopeless, overwhelmed, crying, anxiety, trouble sleeping and eating
"I am worthless."  "I am not enough."  "Our marriage is over."  "I can never trust again."  "There is nothing to live for."  "Our marriage is sham."  "I will never get over this."  "There's no hope."  "I am ashamed of who I am as a woman."  "I am such a fool."

Rebuilding - Strength, calm, functioning well, solving problems, reaching out to others
"I'm putting healthy boundaries in place."  "We are both doing the hard work required."  "We are finding a new normal."  "This is a long process, but it is worth it."  "My husband chooses me and our marriage."  "We are both committed to our marriage."   "We have a community of supportive people."

Acceptance - Peace, joy, helping others
"I'm stronger now."  "Our marriage is healthy."  "SSA is a reality but it does not define us."  "My husband loves me."  "We have a deeper relationship now."  "Our story can help others."