Codependency

She's quiet, meek, and far too gentle.  She seems like she is walking on eggshells.  Everyone sees the problem but apparently she is oblivious or maybe she is just an enabler.  She is weak and powerless.  She acts as if she can't do anything on her own.  She is not her own person. 

This is what I have always pictured when I hear the word codependent. 
This is not me.
Therefore, I am not codependent.

And yet, that word kept coming up.  People kept mentioning this great book.  My therapist mentioned the word several times.  I thought maybe I should look into it.

After reading Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie, I realize that I am codependent.

So what is codependency?  The starting point is understanding that the concept comes from dependency - as in addiction.  The addict is often called "chemically dependent" when referring to drugs or alcohol.  But all addicts are dependent on something, regardless of the type of addiction, and this dependency causes negative behaviors and negative consequences that are far reaching.  We now realize that the people that live with addicts (spouses, parents, children, etc) are also effected by the addicts behaviors.  These people are codependents. 

While some codependents do fit the pattern I mentioned above, that is only one narrow set of characteristics.  The common root issues that codependents deal with are: taking care of others; low self-worth; repression of feelings; obsession with worry; controlling; denial; dependency on others for happiness; poor communication; weak boundaries; lack of trust; anger; and sexual problems.  These root issues can manifest in very different and sometimes completely opposite ways.  So just because I am not the quiet, meek, powerless enabler doesn't mean I don't have codependency issues.  Mine just might look more like the extremely responsible, anxious, over-committed, rigid, frustrated, angry, depressed, over-eater.  You may see a strong, independent, hard-working woman.  That's because I'm trying to control what you see.  Beattie says, "Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent.  They look strong but feel helpless.  They appear controlling but in reality are controlled themselves."

She explains, "Most of us started doing these things out of necessity to protect ourselves and meet our needs... It is not always easy to live with normal, healthy people. It is particularly difficult to live with sick, disturbed, or troubled people... Sometimes, the things we do to protect ourselves turn on us and hurt us.  They become self-destructive."

It was easy to go down the list of characteristics and see myself.  What's more difficult is how to stop the negative patterns and start healthy ones.  Beattie suggests these steps: detach; stop being a victim; live your own life; love yourself; learn to accept reality; feel your own feelings; think for yourself; set your own goals; learn communication skills; work a twelve step program; learn to live and love again.  Her admonition is, "Slow down.  You don't have to feel so frightened.  You don't have to feel so frantic.  Keep things in perspective.  Make life easier for you."  Easier said than done.  But I'm working on it.