Chemistry

Chemistry - once my favorite subject in school and my almost major turned minor in college.  I've always loved it.  But now I really hate that word.

Chemistry - something my husband doesn't have with me, but apparently feels with other men on occasion. 

It's not that he wants that to happen.  In fact, it makes him crazy.  And depressed.  That's why he has avoided men for most of his life.  But that didn't work out well and so we are trying something different.  And sometimes different is scary. 

Truth be told, most people that have been married for over two decades probably don't feel chemistry anymore.  I can't really say that I feel that for him either.  But I used to.  He used to give me butterflies.  I just feel incredibly sad thinking that maybe he never felt butterflies with me. 

Also, I don't really understand him.  After I got married, I stopped noticing other men.  Only once in our entire marriage have I felt butterflies for another man - and I made sure it didn't go anywhere.  So, the fact the he has felt chemistry with several other men just in the past few years - I just don't get it.  I don't like it.  It makes me feel sad, angry, and insignificant.

I want to feel like I'm the only one for him.  I'm not sure if that will ever happen.