Gaslighting

It's hard to have a secret identity, to hide from everyone, even those closest to you.  Really there is only one way you can successfully hide for so many years - lies.

Trying to understand how I didn't know that my husband was gay for over two decades of marriage is difficult.  Let me also say, since you don't know me, that I am not a stupid or naive person.  I have a master's degree.  I understand people.  But I was duped.  How could that happen?

Our counselor introduced me to a term I had never heard of - gaslighthing.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a person, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.  This is done by systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.

It sounds pretty evil, and it is.  At first my husband denied that he had ever gaslighted me.  But the more we thought about it, the more we realized it was true.  Now, I don't think he intentionally wanted to make me question my sanity.  I don't think he is evil or was trying to hurt me in any way.  I think it was completely subconscious on his part and was his way of preserving himself and his secret.  Anytime that I questioned him about something that would have led to me discovering his secret, he would deflect and lie to hide the truth.  This made me wonder, "Am I crazy?  Did I not hear him right?  Is what I am feeling or sensing wrong?  Are these problems my fault?"

About a week after the counselor mentioned this - it happened.  He was feeling really down that day, depression level kind of down.  I was trying to comfort him and was actually getting turned on.  (TMI alert - skip this if you don't want to know too much.)  However, it was the time of month when that was not going to happen.  I verbalized that it was too bad we couldn't have sex.  He replied with a very neutral response - the kind I hate - "well, whatever."  Since, we are trying to work on how we can love one another better, I mentioned that this was one of those neutral responses that I don't appreciate.  And that's when it happened.  It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  His voice changed.  His face changed.  And he said, "Oh baby, I wish we could, too."  

My gaslighting alarm went off.  I sat straight up, amazed, and said, "This is gaslighting!"  I think it was super obvious because we are in this place of becoming more honest and yet when pressed he slipped into his old habit of lying to make me feel better, or maybe just to make me not question his lack of interest, or some combination of those.  It was a great revelation for us.  We discussed ways to communicate honestly without having to lie and fake an interest that is not there, while also not using neutral or hurtful words.  How about saying something like, "I'm really feeling down today so it's really ok that we can't have sex because I'm just not in the mood right now."  Totally truthful and yet owning that the problem is yours and not confusing with me the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine.

We have a long way to go, but I am so grateful for an amazing Christian counselor that is willing to call out our problems as he sees them and for an amazing husband that is willing to admit his faults and work on changing himself.