Words matter

Attraction is a tricky word and one that comes up a lot when discussing same-sex attraction (SSA).  I mean, it's right there in the name.  What does attraction really mean and how do we use that word?

My now husband told me before we ever started dating that he was not attracted to me.  What he was trying to communicate was that he wasn't attracted to women in general.  But that is not what he said and certainly not how I heard or interpreted what he said.  I heard, "I am not attracted to you."  Long after we started dating, long after we got married, long after I knew how much he loved me, I could still hear these words.  They have been a deep hurt for me.  I heard them through my own brokenness and continued to use them against myself for years.

During this time of re-framing past conversations and experiences through this new lens of my husband's SSA, I have tried to let that hurt go.  Yet, as we have discussed attraction he stands by the thought behind the statement - that he is still not attracted to me.

Recently though he mentioned wanting to take a shower with me and my gaslighting alarm went off.  Wait.  How can you want to take a shower with someone you aren't attracted to?  That doesn't really make sense. And yet he insisted that he does enjoy showering with me, being naked with me.  I was confused.  I wanted to get to the bottom of this seeming disparity of thought.  My type-A nature took over and like any logical person I Googled the definition of attraction.

attraction - the action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something

So I asked him:  Do I not evoke interest, pleasure, or liking for you?

I think we had a lightbulb moment.  Words matter.  Our culture has so narrowly defined the word attraction to mean lust (which by definition means very strong sexual desire).  I understand him not lusting after me, and actually that's totally ok with me.  I need him to be attracted to me though, and apparently he is.