Recent Reads

 It's been a while since I've posted, but I haven't stopped reading!

I have long been a fan of the Hole in my Heart Podcast.  So, I was eager to read their new book and preordered it. Though it wasn't exactly what I expected it was a good read.  The main point of the book is that marriage is a metaphor of Christ's love for the church. And anyone, even someone that is not naturally attracted to their spouse, can participate it the metaphor.

An Impossible Marriage: What Our Mixed-Orientation Marriage Has Taught Us About Love and the Gospel by Laurie and Matt Krieg is a story about a difficult point in their marriage and what they learned during that time. They alternate telling the story, revealing their unique individual thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  

The part of the book that resonnated most with me was about not using sex as a barometer of oneness in our marriage. Laurie explains, "I wish I had understood then that the number of times we have sex is just a number. You cannot quantify oneness. The fact that both the world and the church say that sex is the indicator of closeness is a fallacy. Sex can be awash in oneness, but it is not the barometer of it."  I have often heard this exact term of "barometer" used in relation to sex in marriage, along with the idea that sex is the "glue" that holds a marriage together.  How false and unbiblical these ideas are!!  It is refreshing to hear someone refute these ideas.

Matt and Laurie are vulnerable and real.  They understand pain and heartache but also the need for community and Jesus.  They liken marriage to a garden that needs cultivation - the work is never finished.  There is planning, planting, watering, weeding, waiting, and constant upkeep.  We may get tired, but we must continue to cultivate the garden of marriage if we want it to produce fruit.

This book was recommended by our marriage counselor and it did not disappoint!

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples was written by married (to each other) marriage therapists, Harville Hendrix PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt PhD. Their philosophy is that we go into relationships "unconcious" by following our instincts to marry someone that resembles our childhood primary caregivers yet hoping that our love interest will somehow be different.  When they don't meet our needs we are disappointed and think we need to find someone else.  They encourage us to instead focus on forming a concious partnership which they describe by the following 10 characteristics:

1. You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose - to help you overcome the limitations of your childhood.
2. You create a more accurate image of your partner.
3. You learn to ask for what you want using Sender Responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner.
4. You move from "reactive living" to "proactive living."
5. You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as well as your own.
6. You focus on keeping the relationship safe at all times.
7. You find new ways to satisfy your basic needs and desires.
8. You shift from judgement to curiosity about your partner in order to discover their unique internal world.
9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and united with the connecting energies of the universe. (- which we would consider to be God)
10. You accept the difficulty of creating a lasting love relationship.

They certainly don't sugar-coat it!  Creating a lasting love relationship IS difficult!

The book concludes with exercises to do as a couple, but they also have a separate workbook that has the exercises clearly laid out with instructions.  The workbook spans 12 weeks with one exercise per week and ways to practice between sessions. Some of these are very familiar to us from the marriage workshop we attended last year.  We are still working through the sessions and following up with our counselor.  So far this book has been very helpful for us.  I'll definitely follow-up when we have finished all of the sessions.