Why did I get married... to him?
One of my first blog posts was about why he married me. It's the obvious question. But recently I've been thinking more about why I married him. Sure, some of the very things I mentioned in that post apply to me as well.
We agreed on everything that mattered - faith, values, and goals in life.
Yet, looking back there were some major red flags. He told me he wasn't attracted to me. He never told me I was beautiful. He only took me home to meet his parents once before we got married. He was very quick to go from "Let's just be friends" to "Let's get married".
What I'm really starting to understand is how my own deep insecurities caused me to ignore these signs. A confident young woman would expect to be told she looks good. A confident young woman would have certainly asked some questions about how a man can say they aren't attracted to you and yet still want to date you. In fact, a confident young woman may have not given him a chance to explain. Bye Felicia!
He told me about his dysfunctional family. Mine wasn't much better. So, I understood not wanting to hang out with his parents. But marrying someone IS marrying their family at some level. At the very least it would have made sense to see or experience it for myself. What was I getting myself into exactly? A confident young woman would probably have insisted she get to know his family first.
And oh, the quick turn-a-round. Complete with a dozen red roses and poem. Isn't it romantic? Or rather a major red flag. In a book my husband just read about unhealthy relationships between mothers and sons, it mentioned that one common result is that the son will marry quickly, often without letting his parents meet his fiance. Perhaps a confident young woman would have looked past the flowers and asked some questions. Maybe not.
I married him because I loved him. I married him because he was my best friend. I married him because I could see us having a family together. But perhaps I also married him because I was insecure. I was afraid to look past the surface. I accepted things in our relationship that weren't normal or healthy. I don't think I believed I would ever have someone find me attractive.
Here I am decades later and I'm still dealing with these same insecurities. I'm really trying to work on myself and let these insecurities go. Bye Felicia!
We agreed on everything that mattered - faith, values, and goals in life.
Yet, looking back there were some major red flags. He told me he wasn't attracted to me. He never told me I was beautiful. He only took me home to meet his parents once before we got married. He was very quick to go from "Let's just be friends" to "Let's get married".
What I'm really starting to understand is how my own deep insecurities caused me to ignore these signs. A confident young woman would expect to be told she looks good. A confident young woman would have certainly asked some questions about how a man can say they aren't attracted to you and yet still want to date you. In fact, a confident young woman may have not given him a chance to explain. Bye Felicia!
He told me about his dysfunctional family. Mine wasn't much better. So, I understood not wanting to hang out with his parents. But marrying someone IS marrying their family at some level. At the very least it would have made sense to see or experience it for myself. What was I getting myself into exactly? A confident young woman would probably have insisted she get to know his family first.
And oh, the quick turn-a-round. Complete with a dozen red roses and poem. Isn't it romantic? Or rather a major red flag. In a book my husband just read about unhealthy relationships between mothers and sons, it mentioned that one common result is that the son will marry quickly, often without letting his parents meet his fiance. Perhaps a confident young woman would have looked past the flowers and asked some questions. Maybe not.
I married him because I loved him. I married him because he was my best friend. I married him because I could see us having a family together. But perhaps I also married him because I was insecure. I was afraid to look past the surface. I accepted things in our relationship that weren't normal or healthy. I don't think I believed I would ever have someone find me attractive.
Here I am decades later and I'm still dealing with these same insecurities. I'm really trying to work on myself and let these insecurities go. Bye Felicia!
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