So I Married a Gay Man.....

The topic of how men with SSA can have healthy friendships with other men with SSA comes up a lot. I mean, I get it - it seems counterintuitive, almost crazy to let two SSA men form a close friendship. But it can and should be done. I've already talked about my fears when he first went to meet a bunch of other SSA men . And I've talked about the friends we have made through Brothers Road - some of those friendships have lasted and others have not. So now I want to talk about my husband's best friend. My husband has always had a hard time having close relationships with men (I knew this long before I understood why). He once had a really close friendship that was so good for him and super healthy... until this friend betrayed him, which was one of the events that led to his deep depression, acting out, and ultimately confessing to me about his SSA. But I digress. Through Brothers Road, my husband met a great guy.  I'm going to call him Leo here. They have built a beauti

This is the bag we packed to go away for our 25th anniversary. This is pretty amazing to me because a year or two ago I wasn't sure if our marriage would last. Less than a year ago I wasn't sure I wanted it to. This journey has been longer and harder than I ever imagined. I have learned more about my husband and myself than I thought possible (and maybe more than I wanted to!). The book you see here has been super helpful over the past few months. And fittingly we are finishing the last exercise this weekend. I don't want to spoil it for you - because you should 100% do this - but the last exercise was super healing and beautiful. You will want to get the actual book (not pictured) and two workbooks (pictured) to get the most out of this. We went away for the weekend and had a wonderful time together. It felt like old times, before D-day. Just a normal married couple celebrating an anniversary. I hope we get to celebrate many more.

It's been 125 weeks (that's almost two and half years....) since my husband disclosed his same-sex attraction. We are beginning to thrive. We are starting to really live again. I hate that it has taken this long, but then I realize that it really hasn't been that long.  We are go-getters, hard-chargers, get-it-done kind of people. And well, this isn't something you can just get done. It's a slow, often painfully slow, process. And we aren't at the finish line yet. We still have a lot of work to do.  There is light at the end of the tunnel. And the tunnel doesn't seem so long and narrow and cramped anymore. So we will keep walking towards the light.

 It's been a while since I've posted, but I haven't stopped reading! I have long been a fan of the Hole in my Heart Podcast .  So, I was eager to read their new book and preordered it. Though it wasn't exactly what I expected it was a good read.  The main point of the book is that marriage is a metaphor of Christ's love for the church. And anyone, even someone that is not naturally attracted to their spouse, can participate it the metaphor. An Impossible Marriage: What Our Mixed-Orientation Marriage Has Taught Us About Love and the Gospel by Laurie and Matt Krieg is a story about a difficult point in their marriage and what they learned during that time. They alternate telling the story, revealing their unique individual thoughts, feelings, and experiences.   The part of the book that resonnated most with me was about not using sex as a barometer of oneness in our marriage. Laurie explains, "I wish I had understood then that the number of times we have sex is

My husband and I have used several forms of accountability check-ins over the past year and a half.  Most of them form some sort of acronym that is easy to remember.  I wrote about one of of our favorites, SPERM - which stands for Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, Relational, and Mental.  We use these categories to discuss how we are doing in each area. I've also come to realize that the same categories can be used to define self-care.  We need to make time for ourselves and yet too often I find that we overlook many aspects of self-care or limit ourselves to one or two very narrow categories.  At least I know I have. Since we are women, let's rearrange the letters and go with PERMS.  (Anyone else admit to having a perm in the 80's???  Just me?) P- Physical:  What can you do to care for yourself physically?  Get plenty of sleep Exercise, take a walk, stretch, yoga Eat well & stay hydrated Take a bath, shower Go to the chiropractor Get a massage, manic

If you have been in the church for any length of time, you are familiar with the story of Lazarus.  Jesus raises his friend Lazarus from the dead after being in the grave for four days.  That part is significant because this wasn't the first time that Jesus had raised someone from the dead, but when he did it shortly after death people explained it away - maybe they weren't really dead, you know? - but it's hard to explain away four days in a grave. The sermon at church this morning was on this miracle of Jesus.  And even though I've read and heard this story numerous times, I started to cry. "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was." - John 11:5-6 ESV It's easy to gloss over that because we know how the story ends.  Lazarus will live and be reunited with his sisters.  BUT they did not know that!  So when Jesus shows up four days after he dies, both sist

It's been 90 weeks since my husband disclosed his same-sex attraction. That's over 20 months.  Creeping up on two years. Most days I feel like a normal person with normal problems.  Our cycles of craziness are less and less frequent.  I am generally peaceful and hopeful.  I still have doubts.  I'm never quite sure if I can relax yet - or should I brace myself for more ups and downs. We are less and less focused on his SSA, though we both are still connected to the Brothers Road community and have plans to attend more events this year.  Right now we are working on rebuilding our marriage and our life together.  We've been able to protect our children through the madness but we have not done as well personally. Recently my husband made a playlist of love songs for me.  I thought he'd maybe come up with five.  It was actually a long list.  It was heartfelt and made me cry happy tears.  See, too often I think he doesn't think of me in a romantic way anymore.

Chemistry - once my favorite subject in school and my almost major turned minor in college.  I've always loved it.  But now I really hate that word. Chemistry - something my husband doesn't have with me, but apparently feels with other men on occasion.  It's not that he wants that to happen.  In fact, it makes him crazy.  And depressed.  That's why he has avoided men for most of his life.  But that didn't work out well and so we are trying something different.  And sometimes different is scary.  Truth be told, most people that have been married for over two decades probably don't feel chemistry anymore.  I can't really say that I feel that for him either.  But I used to.  He used to give me butterflies.  I just feel incredibly sad thinking that maybe he never felt butterflies with me.  Also, I don't really understand him.  After I got married, I stopped noticing other men.  Only once in our entire marriage have I felt butterflies for another man

Have you ever been going about your normal routine and WHAM you are crying uncontrollably or just overwhelmed by sadness?  You weren't sad a moment ago.  You may or may not even know what prompted it.  But all of the sudden you feel like you can't even move.  Just me?  Alrighty then.... I recently read an article about grief that made me feel a little less crazy.  The article is specifically talking about grief after death, but as I've mentioned before we now know that all grief works in similar ways.  I have been experiencing what is known as a STUG, a Sudden Temporary Upsurge of Grief.  A STUG is unexpected, threatening, and intense.  It can be accompanied by crying, nausea, vomiting, racing pulse, and feeling like you can't breathe.  Some people compare it to a panic attack.  It leaves you feeling agitated and frightened.  And rightly so - that's an intense physical reaction to grief. Getting through a STUG is very similar to getting through a panic attack