So I Married a Gay Man.....

Our daughter is home from college for Christmas break.  We tend to have a lot of deep conversation when she's home - religion, politics, current events, you name it.  She and I were driving home yesterday and got into one of these discussions.  We ended up talking about the gay agenda, how we treat LGBT people in the church (we agreed that the church needs a lot of work in this area), and specifically a friend of hers that is a Christian and gay and trying to navigate his theology and sexuality. She has such a heart of compassion for all people, and this friend is no different.  She has no idea what side A and side B even mean, but based on our conversation she is side B.  Her friend isn't sure where he lands on the issue yet.  He's confused as to why God would make him gay knowing that he would never be happy in a relationship.  My daughter felt sad that he would be lonely.  I asked her why he thought loneliness was the only option.  After...

I only have one childhood friend that I keep in touch with.  We live several states away from each other and talk sporadically.  She called me out of the blue this past week.  And she wanted to talk about her marriage.  So, of course I ended up telling her all about mine and what has transpired in the past few months.  I knew she would be safe.  We've known each other since 4th grade.  We've walked a lot of life together.  I had no idea how encouraging it would be to tell her though. My favorite quotes from her: "Of course you guys are going to make it.  You have always been best friends." "Your marriage is built on way more than this." "Poor thing!  He's been torturing himself his whole life!" "Marriage is so hard!" (talking about herself) "This is a spiritual battle." I'm sure her tone does not come across in a blog post but she was so loving and encouraging.  With each person I tell it gets easier and easier....

I've had good days and bad days.  I'm having more and more good days lately and very few bad days.  I still occasionally find myself caught off guard by a bad moment.  Like a few nights ago when I suddenly felt so insecure and without warning just started crying.  My sweet husband just held me and let me cry until I felt better.  And he reminded me that he isn't going anywhere - that he chooses me. That's where my bad days usually come from.  A deep sense of insecurity and fear. My worst day happened six weeks ago.  I was reading blogs online about mixed orientation marriages.  There was one rather "famous" couple that had been blogging about their marriage for several years and had somewhat recently announced that they were getting divorced.  The announcement post sent me into a tailspin.  Why?  Everything they said resonated with me.  Why they had gotten married to begin with, why it worked, why they loved each other, etc...

I recently mentioned that we are reading good books, so I thought I'd share what we've been reading.  I've only linked the books that have previews available. Long before my husband disclosed his struggle with same-sex attraction to me, God had already given me a desire to love people with this issue.  Several years ago I read The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Butterfield.  I have also heard her speak in person and she has an amazing story to tell.  She was on an episode of one of my now-favorite podcasts . After disclosure, we started seeing a counselor and he recommended several books. Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality by Wesley Hill is a sad but hopeful story of a Christian man with SSA choosing to live a celibate life.  Here's a podcast with him. People to Be Loved: Why Homosexuality Is Not Just an Issue by Preston Sprinkle takes a hard look at Biblical theology regarding the issue o...

It's been exactly 11 weeks since my husband disclosed that he has unwanted same sex attraction.  And it has been quite a roller-coaster.  I've had really, really bad days of feeling hopeless, devastated, and like God is so far away.  I've had days when God felt close and I felt strong and determined.  I've cried so.many.tears it's just ridiculous.  More than one person has mentioned that I've aged a lot recently.  You don't say??  But seriously, don't say that. We have made a lot of good decisions and steps towards healing and wholeness.  We have read a lot of good books.  We are still seeing a counselor, both together to work on our marriage, and separately to work on ourselves and our families of origin.  We are reading blogs and listening to podcasts.  We are making a point to go out on fun dates.  We are spending more focused time together and making our marriage a priority right now. Almost daily my husband let's me k...

Attraction is a tricky word and one that comes up a lot when discussing same-sex attraction (SSA).  I mean, it's right there in the name.  What does attraction really mean and how do we use that word? My now husband told me before we ever started dating that he was not attracted to me.  What he was trying to communicate was that he wasn't attracted to women in general.  But that is not what he said and certainly not how I heard or interpreted what he said.  I heard, "I am not attracted to you ."  Long after we started dating, long after we got married, long after I knew how much he loved me, I could still hear these words.  They have been a deep hurt for me.  I heard them through my own brokenness and continued to use them against myself for years. During this time of re-framing past conversations and experiences through this new lens of my husband's SSA, I have tried to let that hurt go.  Yet, as we have discussed attraction he stands by...

As of now we have no intention of being publicly out.  We have not told our children or our families.  But our counselor encouraged us to choose a few safe people to talk to. The first person we agreed to talk to is a close female friend of both my husband and I.  She is full of love and grace, so we knew she would be safe.  She also has other friends that struggle with SSA, so we knew she would understand.  She was awesome, as expected. The next person was a close friend of mine - someone that I knew would ask me hard questions, pray for me, and encourage me.  I was nervous about telling her but she responded exactly as I expected her to - she asked me hard questions, prayed for me, and encouraged me.  She checks in on me regularly.  I really needed her and I'm so grateful that God put her in my life. Then it was my husband's turn - he was petrified to tell anyone.  He chose to tell a friend of the first person we told that also strugg...

It's hard to have a secret identity, to hide from everyone, even those closest to you.  Really there is only one way you can successfully hide for so many years - lies. Trying to understand how I didn't know that my husband was gay for over two decades of marriage is difficult.  Let me also say, since you don't know me, that I am not a stupid or naive person.  I have a master's degree.  I understand people.  But I was duped.  How could that happen? Our counselor introduced me to a term I had never heard of - gaslighthing. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a person, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.  This is done by systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception. It sounds pretty evil, an...

In case I haven't made this clear - I am broken. There are a host of reasons why.  And I'm sure you can relate.  We live in a fallen world and we are all broken in many ways. I am broken because my father left when I was young.  I am broken because I was bullied as a child.  I am broken because I have struggled with suicide ideation from the age of ten.  I am broken because I have always hated the way I look.  To say I have low self-esteem would be a huge understatement. So, when my husband wasn't enamored with my looks - that made sense to my brokenness.  When he didn't tell me how beautiful or sexy I was - that made sense to my brokenness.   Don't hear me wrong.  He has never been cruel or rude to me.  He has been neutral. You look fine. Your body is fine just the way it is. I don't care how much you weigh. I don't care if you wear makeup or not. When I was insecure and needed affirmation, I usually ...

In some ways nothing has changed.  He is still the same guy I married so many years ago.  We have lived together for over two decades.  We are comfortable with one another.  Life is moving on. In other ways everything has changed.  I know his secret.  I hear and see things through a new lens.  I see and hear people's comments about sexual identity.  I notice gay people more than ever before.  I have had to reframe much of my life - conversations and interactions with my husband that now mean something different, decisions that were made out of my ignorance, lies that were told to cover and hide the truth.  I can't un-know these things.  I don't want to be in the dark anymore. Friends and even acquaintances have started mentioning that I have changed, that I seem different.  And I am.  But how do you explain something that you can't talk about?  I have always been a super outgoing and friendly person.  Right n...