So I Married a Gay Man.....

I haven't spent a lot of time in psychological/counseling circles and sometimes the phrases that are thrown around sound foreign to me. One such phrase is "doing your work." I kept hearing it and in context it began to make sense but I'm a nerd and decided to research it. Doing your work is about taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions.  Often we find ourselves in situations where we blame circumstances or other people for how we feel, think, and act.  We begin our work by recognizing unhealthy patterns and triggers, then work to uncover our feelings and reactions, and finally discover ways to break the unhealthy patterns. Someone suggested that my husband read a book about "the work" and so he bought it.  And like many other books, I read it first. The book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie is not a typical read.  It has a general introduction to the concept of self-discovery that she calls ...

Recently I've been walking alongside a wife that just found out about her husband's SSA.  It is an honor and privilege to be able to be there for someone else.  It has also been fascinating to see just how similarly our reactions, emotions, and thoughts have been.  I can almost predict what she is going to say, and it's a tiny bit creepy. In reality it's predictable because we are both going through the grief cycle.  The grief cycle was first used to describe the process people went through when diagnosed with a terminal illness.  Most people went through predictable stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.  Later it was recognized that these same stages could be seen in the family members of people diagnosed with a terminal illness and eventually that it could explain any type of grief not just death.  More research has also shown that people rarely go through the cycle only once and often do so in a different order...

"I'm sorry to have dragged you into this world."   That's what my husband said recently.  "This world."  This world of same sex attraction and mixed orientation marriage.  We spend a lot of time on this issue - time on the phone with other couples, time in therapy, time processing with each other, time in support groups.  We are walking alongside other couples - some that are ahead of us on this journey and some that are just starting out.  I never would have imagined that I would spend so much time on this topic.  Honestly, I didn't give it much thought at all a year ago. And it IS another world.  It's a private, hidden world talked about in hushed tones or in anonymous blogs.  This is not a topic most people are comfortable talking about, so we mostly stay silent.  Yet, I'm shocked at just how many of "us" there are out there!  We really are not alone.  It's just that we are in hiding.  We are your...

A "tell" is a common poker term used to describe an unconscious action that is thought to betray an attempted deception.  It can also be used to describe habits or traits that men with same sex attraction have that are considered to be stereotypically gay.   Effeminate mannerisms are probably the most common, but there are many other stereotypes as well.  Obviously, stereotypes are just that - and often not true at all.  However, as with all things, sometimes people live up to the stereotypes.  My husband says he became aware of his "tells" at a very young age and as he grew up he worked very hard to hide them.  Of course some things are harder to hide than others and sometimes simply downplaying it was good enough for him.  He always thought that maybe I at least had some clue about his same sex attraction based on his tells but I assure you - I did not.  I'm not much for playing into stereotypes.  In talking with other wives in mix...

I'm not gonna lie; I'm glad June is over.  I'll be even happier when all of the rainbow displays are taken down and all of the business logos go back to their original colors.  A symbol that once reminded me of God's promise has been tarnished by the world.  Now it means open rebellion towards God and being proud of it.  I'm not trying to overstate my case.  That's just how I see it. I really want to reclaim the meaning of the rainbow for myself.  I'm just not really sure how.  I want to live in this world and not be a part of the sin that so easily entangles us.  I want to love people and not condone their sinful actions.  I want to bring people to Jesus, but the actual Jesus in the Bible not the one people make up to fit their own ideas.  It is so hard to live against the flow.  To have a marriage that is "not normal" no matter how you look at it.  To have great compassion for LGBTQ people and yet totally disagree with thei...

It's been a while since I have reviewed any books and that's simply because I haven't been reading any.  Well, I've been reading but only my daily Bible reading and books related to my job.  For my summer reading, I am staying away from anything SSA specific and sticking with books I can take to the pool and the beach without hiding the cover.  I'm on vacation and devouring books, so here goes! I had the pleasure of hearing Bob Goff speak several months ago and he was funny, encouraging, and challenging all at the same time - and that's difficult to pull off.  He has the energy and enthusiasm of a preteen, the humility of a monk, and the wisdom of a sage.  His recent book, Everybody, Always: Becoming Love in a World Full of Setbacks and Difficult People , has the same combination of encouragement and challenge mixed in with humor and engaging stories.  The book's focus is on loving others well; loving them like Jesus does.  And not just o...

It's been exactly 39 weeks since my husband disclosed that he has unwanted same sex attraction.   I wish I could say that it has only gotten easier, but in truth the past few months have been hard.  The deeper we dig the more difficult this journey becomes. It does feel like we have come a long way, but I also know that we still have a long way yet to go.  And that can be discouraging.  Someone recently said that this journey feels painstakingly slow for the wife and breathtakingly fast for the husband.  That is definitely true for us! So what does our journey look like right now?  The Journey into Manhood weekend was super helpful and Brother's Road continues to be a resource for both of us with weekly conference calls of support.  I'm planning on attending a weekend conference in the fall.  We are still seeing a therapist, both separately and together.  We are still reading books and listening to blogs and trying to learn ho...

Worries... we all have them.  Women in mixed-orientation marriages, we have a lot!  It's just so outside of the mainstream idea of love and marriage.  It brings out a lot of insecurity , fear , and worry.  It often feels lonely. Worrying is defined as: giving way to anxiety ; allowing one's mind to dwell on difficulties or troubles.  These actually give great insight on how to fight against worry in our lives.  First of all, don't give way.  When we give way to anxiety we are putting it first and letting it have control in our lives.  The antidote to giving way to anxiety is to put God first, where he belongs.  "Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."  (Matt 6:33)  Secondly, don't allow your mind to dwell on your troubles.  We are called to take our thoughts captive and to fix our thoughts on, or dwell on, things that are true, pure, lovely, and excellent (2 Cor...

I think I've always been a fearful person.  I slept with a light on until... well until I got married, at which point I still wanted a nightlight.  I was afraid of the dark, getting bad grades, bugs and spiders, and my father.  I may have grown up but somehow I brought the fear with me. Now my fears center around my marriage.  Am I enough for him?  Does he really love me?  Can he really love me?  Will he ever leave me?  Can we make it?  Is divorce inevitable? Am I strong enough for this?  Are we strong enough for this? Why did God allow this?  Is God even with me?  With us?  These thoughts, and many more, swirl around and around inside my head. I'm trying to not listen to my fears but to listen to the Lord instead.  It's not always easy.  So many times scripture says to have courage and not be afraid.  But it does tell us who to fear - the Lord, not man (Matt 10:28).  And God shows mercy to those...

It's Pride month!  This month brings up all of my mixed emotions.  Never before has this month really made me pause and think.  Oh sure, I mean I thought about it - but never this deeply, because it simply was never personal for me before. My thoughts on Pride month last year: I don't hate anyone, but really stop shoving your agenda and flaunting your sexuality in my face.  If you want to be gay, be gay - it doesn't really affect me.  I actually feel kinda sorry for you, but I can't say that because it's not politically correct.  Also, I think it's wrong, but I'm not one that's going to shove my religious convictions in your face. So, maybe you can stop, too?  Probably not. My thoughts on Pride month this year:  My best-friend, husband, lover is gay.  Wow!  Suddenly it's personal.  Everywhere I go there are reminders of Pride month - Target, Walmart, Snapchat, Google, Facebook - I can't escape it.  I've read and learned s...