So I Married a Gay Man.....

These are the books I read this month. A War of Loves: The Unexpected Story of a Gay Activist Discovering Jesus by David Bennett.  Someone recommended this book and it was already in my "to be read" pile.  His story is captivating and he is a great storyteller.  Bennett has an amazing testimony of salvation.  He starts off as side A (affirming of living a gay lifestyle) but God slowly transforms his thinking and he is now side B (believes in the traditional Biblical definition of marriage) and celibate.  I appreciated his very positive and uplifting view of celibacy.  I also appreciated his candor about his temptations, struggles, and successes. My favorite quote: "When Jesus Christ is relegated to a hobby for middle-class families and not allowed to be the Lord of our entire lives, we are bound to destroy the witness of his gospel.  What the Western church needs is a new identity that recognizes that Jesus isn't just a peripheral interest. ...

I haven't read these books, but my husband did.  This is my version of what he told me about the books (so take it as hearsay, ha!). Holy Sexuality and the Gospel: Sex, Desire, and Relationships Shaped by God's Grand Story by Christopher Yuan.  Yuan discusses both the theology and practical implications of sexuality, desire, orientation, marriage, and singleness.  He also gives great advice on how respond when someone you know comes out. Here is a podcast with Christopher Yuan.  I actually listened to it :) Space at the Table: Conversations Between an Evangelical Theologian and His Gay Son by Brad Harper and Drew Stafford Harper.  The story is told chronologically from both the father's and son's perspectives, showing us how their relationship fared through the son's coming out.  The father is an evangelical pastor (side B) and the son decided to live a gay lifestyle and reject his faith.  Spoiler alert: the story does not end with the so...

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  Our first day celebrating love since he told me about his same-sex attractions.  We've never been big Valentine's Day people anyway - maybe a small token of love or a nice dinner together, not the over commercialized stuff.  Thinking about Valentine's day brought to mind a card my husband once gave me.  It's wasn't a Valentine's Day card; it was a "just because" card, written in September of the first year of our marriage.  Once I thought about it, I became desperate to find it.  I remember saving it because it was so special to me and I wanted to remember why. We found it. We read it together.  We cried.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  For the past 20 weeks I have been asking a lot of hard questions.  How did I not know? Does he really love me as a wife or am I just a friend? Can he love me and not desire me?  Can I handle that? We all have a need to be desired.  I recently listen...

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is going to use all of this in my life.  I knew it from the moment my husband told me about his SSA.  And sure enough God has already started sending people my way. The first was through my church.  A new family started going to our church and I discovered that their adult son is gay.  We knew that they were side B and very loving towards their son.  So, my husband and I decided to take a chance and tell them about us.  They were amazing and we made an immediate connection.  They were hoping to be accepted and "not shunned" - well they got way more than that, they found friends that really understand.  They had not read many books, so of course I loaded them up because... I love books!  I look forward to forming a closer relationship with them. I also met a woman online that is also married to a man that struggles with SSA.  It was a big step of faith to meet her in person, but I'm so glad I...

You should know by now how much my husband and I love to read.  We read a lot!  That has always been the case, and we read several marriage books before we ever got married.  One book that we read introduced us to the concept of "The Love Bank".   The concept is simple: we each have a love bank and everyone we love has an account with us (especially our spouse).  People make deposits and withdrawals in their accounts - deposits are things they say or do that show us love, and withdrawals are things they say or do that hurt us. In marriage we should purposefully make as many deposits and as few withdrawals as possible.  Hard times are bound to come, so having a large account is critical. I've been pretty clingy and needy lately.  It feels strange because this is not normal for me.  My husband has been super great about it and continues to give me what I need (but let me also say that I verbalize what I need).  It hit me today that ...

I've said before that I've cried a lot in the past few months.  I've cried for a variety of reasons.  There is a lot of sadness in finding out a secret like this.  But today's cry was a new one. Today I cried over a little boy.  A little boy that was confused and scared.  A little boy that always got chosen last for the teams.  A little boy that heard the word faggot and internalized it.  A little boy that decided that no one could ever know his secret.  A little boy that slowly became really good at hiding and lying.  A little boy that made sure no one got too close. I see his little face from a picture I have.  He is smiling.  I know that smile.  I see it everyday. It's really impossible to be mad at my husband for keeping the secret for so long when I see that little boy's face.  This morning I just had to weep.  And I wanted to hug that little boy - so I did, I hugged my husband tightly.

One of my first blog posts was about why he married me .  It's the obvious question.  But recently I've been thinking more about why I married him.  Sure, some of the very things I mentioned in that post apply to me as well. We agreed on everything that mattered - faith, values, and goals in life. Yet, looking back there were some major red flags.  He told me he wasn't attracted to me .  He never told me I was beautiful .  He only took me home to meet his parents once before we got married.  He was very quick to go from "Let's just be friends" to "Let's get married". What I'm really starting to understand is how my own deep insecurities caused me to ignore these signs.  A confident young woman would expect to be told she looks good.  A confident young woman would have certainly asked some questions about how a man can say they aren't attracted to you and yet still want to date you.  In fact, a confident young woman may have not giv...

I've been reading a lot lately and thought I'd share. So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore I really needed to hear this!  I'm not a huge Beth Moore fan but this book was great.  I especially liked her prayer for giving over our insecurities to God.  I'm trying to focus on what I can change - which is me.  I have so many insecurities that I need to deal with.  It was well worth the read. The Storm-Tossed Family: How the Cross Reshapes the Home by Russell Moore The book starts out really strong.  Then I got a little lost part-way through.  It's pretty deep.  Or maybe I was just bored.  However, the chapters on gender, marriage, sexuality, and divorce make it a must-read for families dealing with unwanted SSA.  The book does not not deal specifically with SSA, but there are many great principles that certainly apply. Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour by Gayle Haggard Stay with me here.  This is not a book I...

I was a serious person until I met my husband.  It's not that I didn't appreciate humor, I just wasn't funny.  At all.  One of the first things my future husband, a self-proclaimed class clown, told me when we started dating was, "If I can't tease you, I can't love you."  On that point, he was totally serious.  Over the years he has helped me to lighten up and laugh at life.  Laughter really is the best medicine. So when coming to terms with his SSA, we have to laugh about it.  My husband had literally never told another person about his SSA until last year, and being the funny guy that he is, he has years of jokes ready to come out.  Come out.  (giggling as I type) I can't even tell you how many times in the first few weeks that one of my kids would come into my bedroom and ask where dad was and I would say, "in the closet" and try so hard not to burst out laughing while hearing him chuckling in the closet.  It was like - seriously ...

I've heard this more than a few times recently.  "You've changed!"  What I want to say is, "You think?!? You have NO idea." or "You don't say..." with lots of dripping sarcasm.  But of course I don't say those things. My kids (teens and young adults) have another way of putting it, "You're acting weird."  When pressed about what is weird, this is what I get. 1. "You listen to music all the time now.  You never used to listen to music."  This is true.  Music has been soothing my soul.  It brings me peace and joy.  I guess I never really needed those things like I do now.  Here is one of my current favorites . 2.  "You and dad are always kissing and hugging.  Can you please just stop?"  Um, no.  No we can't.  The kids have no idea what we are going through and how important it is for us to stay connected and affectionate. 3.  "You got a tattoo!" Yep, I'll agree that one is weird.  T...