So I Married a Gay Man.....

Have you ever been going about your normal routine and WHAM you are crying uncontrollably or just overwhelmed by sadness?  You weren't sad a moment ago.  You may or may not even know what prompted it.  But all of the sudden you feel like you can't even move.  Just me?  Alrighty then.... I recently read an article about grief that made me feel a little less crazy.  The article is specifically talking about grief after death, but as I've mentioned before we now know that all grief works in similar ways.  I have been experiencing what is known as a STUG, a Sudden Temporary Upsurge of Grief.  A STUG is unexpected, threatening, and intense.  It can be accompanied by crying, nausea, vomiting, racing pulse, and feeling like you can't breathe.  Some people compare it to a panic attack.  It leaves you feeling agitated and frightened.  And rightly so - that's an intense physical reaction to grief. Getting through a STUG is very sim...

Sometimes I look back and wonder how I made it.  Some days it's a wonder I'm still breathing.  But I did more than survive.  I continued on with life during the crisis.  I went to work, took care of kids, made dinner, cleaned, went to church, and on and on.  Only by God's grace was I able to get out of bed and face each day.  Here's how I did it. 1.  Prayer - I started every day with prayer.  There were times when I just couldn't pray anymore and that was ok, too.  Sometimes I just cried to God, literally just cried because that's all I could do. 2.  Music - I listened to music everyday.  Some of it was encouraging and some of it was just cathartic.  I mostly listened to worship music but also to other Christian music that resonated with me.  Nothing secular -not that I have anything against it but I just needed to soak in Godly music. 3.  Old friends - I needed friends that have known me and my husband for year...

Last weekend my husband and I attended a marriage retreat for mixed orientation couples.  The part I was most excited about was finally getting to meet one of my best mixed orientation marriage friends.  She and I have only ever talked on the phone, we've never met in person.  It was so much fun to hang out in real life!! Then came the actual retreat.  We went into the weekend feeling good.  I was not prepared for all of the hard work we were going to do!  The first night ended terribly.  Every single marriage exercise we participated in ended in an argument.  It was NOT pretty.  I decided it was a mistake to even be there.  We had some one-on-one time with a wiser couple and went to bed exhausted. The next day we were able to see some of the bad communication habits that we have developed in the past year.  The stress and anxiety of the past year had really taken a toll on our communication.  I was able to identify my tend...

It's a new year.  Finally! I have been wishing 2019 to end since it began.  Seriously, since January 1, 2019 I wanted the year to end because I sensed it would be a terrible year .  The worst year actually.  And it was.  My fears were all confirmed and it was the worst year of my life.  But it's finally over. In the weeks leading up to 2020, I kept hoping that I would wake up feeling something way better than dread - hope, joy, anything positive would do.  Instead, I woke up feeling nothing.  Just a normal day.  Nothing good and nothing bad, just neutral.  Not what I wanted, but I'll take it. Now I just have to keep moving forward.  This year holds a lot of changes for me and my family.  I am truly looking forward to all of the changes.  It's a fresh start.  Maybe the good feelings will come with time.

It's been a while since I posted last.  I'd like to say it's just because I've been busy.  But the truth is it's because I don't know what to say.  I keep hoping that I will be happy and things will be easy - honestly I'd just settle for feeling normal again, whatever that means.  And yet here I am still feeling down and crying more than I'd like to admit.  I really wanted to be merry this Christmas, but I wasn't feeling it.  Nothing bad has happened recently.  I keep telling myself that I should be happy. But I'm just not. I've been watching sappy romantic Christmas movies.  That is probably a mistake.  My life is not a fairy-tale, my marriage is not a picture-perfect romance, and I don't feel like I'm going to get a happy ending.  Everything feels uncertain and unstable. But I know this is just how trauma feels - I should expect it.  I guess I'm just tired.  I'm hoping these blues will pass. There's a song I can rea...

This month we are keeping a journal of thankfulness.  We are keeping it simple - just a small notebook in our bedroom with a pen nearby.  Every day we each write down something we are thankful for, without duplicating anything.  It's funny how on some days I can think of several things and other days I'm at a loss of what to write.  And that is truly ridiculous because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.   What we focus on will  determine how we feel , how we think, and how we act.  What we focus on will also  shape our beliefs  - beliefs about the world, those around us, and even ourselves.  Clearly our focus is important and we should be aware of what are focusing on.  Right now we are choosing to focus on what we are thankful for and that is proving to be helpful in so many other areas. Maybe you are thinking, "But you don't understand just how difficult my life is right now!  I can't be thankful!"  I ge...

The roller-coaster has been all too real lately.  Emotional highs can be great, but the lows can be devastating.  The endless cycle of shame and fear have been killing us.  Getting off the roller-coaster is imperative and yet it's been exhausting work. We made 3 agreements towards ending the cycle.  They are written on our bathroom mirror as a daily reminder of our agreements.  So far, it has been a major step forward for us.  I am praying it will last! 1. Renewed commitment We made a solid mutual pact to work on our marriage.  When we first got married, we had a rule - we would never even say the word divorce.  Recently we have let words like divorce and separation enter our vocabulary.  That had to stop.  It wasn't helpful for either of us. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfa...

I drove into the desert, to a place I've never been before, to meet with a group of people I've never met before, and pour my heart out to a depth I've never experienced before.  I was anxious and exhilarated.  I had no idea what was going to happen but my instincts told me it would be good. I went to Utah for a weekend retreat for women.  This wasn't just any retreat.  It is "a weekend for overcoming trauma and/or betrayal and finding your strength."  And I did just that.  I found my strength. The myth of La Loba the Wolf Woman, initiates the question, “What has happened to my soul-voice? How do I make my life come alive again?" La Loba is a  Daughters of Light  event through The Toolbox .  The weekend focused on 3 elements: " Healing : Trauma and/or betrayal, Connecting : to your intuition/soul, God and sisters, and Strengthening : your power & strength."  This powerful weekend uses different activities to guide you ...

My husband recently attended a second Journey into Manhood  (JiM) weekend.  It was much easier the second time around for both of us because we knew what to expect. I'm in contact with several wives whose husbands attended the same weekend, only it was their first weekend.  I tried to reassure them that they were not making a mistake in letting their husbands go do their work .  But I also let them know the reality of the "slump" that happens a week or so after the weekend.  Well, it's one week later and some of them are experiencing it.  The confident husband that came home a week ago is now an emotional mess.  The roller-coaster of emotions is so draining!  Now the wives are really wondering if it was worth it.  Their husbands are talking about thoughts and desires that are painful to hear about.  Emotions are running high and hope seems to be running low.  Some have said that it seems like a step backwards in their marria...

She's quiet, meek, and far too gentle.  She seems like she is walking on eggshells.  Everyone sees the problem but apparently she is oblivious or maybe she is just an enabler.  She is weak and powerless.  She acts as if she can't do anything on her own.  She is not her own person.  This is what I have always pictured when I hear the word codependent.  This is not me. Therefore, I am not codependent. And yet, that word kept coming up.  People kept mentioning this great book.  My therapist mentioned the word several times.  I thought maybe I should look into it. After reading Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie, I realize that I am codependent. So what is codependency?  The starting point is understanding that the concept comes from dependency - as in addiction.  The addict is often called "chemically dependent" when referring to drugs or alcohol.  ...